... word plays, catchy phrases, and
I take no credit for this material.
I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup
alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing,
alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have
made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely
know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show
attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.
ones are added at the top in each category.
At Scotland's Glasgow University, the following note was seen
hanging on a lecturer's door: "Today's tutorial is canceled
because Dr. N. is il." After the misspelled final word, a
student had penciled in: "(sic)".
So, when naming groups of items [called collective nouns],
you've heard of a pride of lions, an exaltation of larks, a
conspiracy of ravens and a charm of finches. ... ... How about
In the list below, we keep the convention of AWAD using AT
instead of @ in e-mail addresses.
a hassle of errands,
a magnum of hit-men,
a quarrel of lawyers,
a shortage of dwarves,
a sulk of teenagers,
a plunder of goons.
an encroachment of fence-builders.
a fascination of on-lookers/listeners.
an embellishment of fishermen.
a treachery of spies.
a thrombosis of heart specialists.
a vagary of impediments.
a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
a conflagration of arsonists/pyromaniacs.
an assassination of gangsters.
a mixture of pharmacists.
an incantation of witches/wizards/warlocks.
a density of meatheads.
an obfuscation of philosophers/politicians/economists.
a clutch of mechanics.
a phile of lovers.
a spider of webmasters.
a clique of computer mice.
a plurality of collectives.
an enterprise of trekkies.
a 404 of lost web pages.
a ___ of nihilists.
a brace of orthodontists.
a somephony of music critics.
A clique of photographers. - Lydia Ross
A barf of bulimics. - Steph Selice (redheditorATaol.com).
A surfeit of spammers. - Peter Moore
A blather of bloggers. - Scott S. Zacher
A contingent of understudies. - Ben Yudkin
A flight of runaway brides. - Michelle Geissbuhler
A Covey of highly effective people. - Esther Krieger
A pinch of shoplifters. - Jim Vander Woude
A stupor of television viewers. - Rabbi Vander Cecil
a remora of lawyers. -- (if you're not familiar, look up
'remora' - it's worth it).
The following are from the blog "A Wreck of Hesperus." Thanks are due to
Garry Allen and those who have commented on the blog.
a rash (or itch) of poison ivy.
a wetnurse of honeysuckles.
a gallery of peanuts.
a shyness of wallflowers.
an osculation of mistletoe.
a greasing of palms.
Collectively, a group of prostitutes:
"a jam of tarts,"
"an essay of Trollope's,"
"an anthology of prose,"
or "a flourish of strumpets."
A joy of Almonds.
A flatulence of Beans.
A flutter of Butterflybushes.
A chest of Cedars.
A bowl of Cherry Blossoms.
A cliché of Chestnuts.
A flick of Chickweed.
An eddy of Currants.
A dalliance of Dahlias.
A duke of Daisies.
A leash of Dogwoods.
A nodding of Elders.
A roberta of Flax.
A reminder of Forget-Me-Nots.
A wrath of Grapes.
A haste of Impatiens.
A jennifer of Junipers.
A silence of Lamb's Ears.
A stan of Laurels.
A gilding of Lilies.
A harry of Limes (with apologies to Graham Greene).
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the
Titanic? ... Half way.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Twice.
I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there
isn't enough anxiety in my life.
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the
store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work
the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager,
"Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Q: What does an Olympic fencing hopeful do at noon each day ?
A: Leaves his office and goes out to lunge.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in
what's left of your unit
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
"Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Phobias But
Were Afraid To Ask."
What is a Quark? ... The noise a well bred duck makes.
For the academics: The difference between theory and practice
in practice is greater than the difference between theory and
practice in theory.
Will Windows95 live long and phosphor?
What do you get if you cross a parakeet and a parachute? ...
Today is the day for decisive action! ... Or is it?
I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." -
"The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well
as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets,
and to steal bread." - Anatole France.
Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Shin: A very sensitive device for finding furniture in the
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an
unproven assumption to a foregone conclusion.
The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words
may well be a completely correct use of words to express sloppy
or meaningless thinking.
Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be
persuaded to say it.
Saying "Gesundheit!" doesn't really help the common cold; but
it's every bit as effective as anything the medical profession
An expensive circuit protected by a fast acting fuse will
protect the fuse by blowing first.
A man walks nervously into a field with a bull. He spies a
farmer on the other side of the fence and asks, "Is this bull
The farmer replies, "He's as safe as can be; but I can't
say the same for you."
If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see
you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. ... You can't see out the other
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless
driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew
what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His
reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free
and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill
contained the antidote.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard to say. "My
hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and
together they're putting me in a deep depression."
It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing
about the problem.
The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held
by people with no grandchildren.
The most important things in life aren't things.
These I have never understood:
We chop down trees but chop up wood;
We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
We run down foes, we run up bills;
We eat food up, we down a drink,
Which is a little strange, I think.
We turn down offers, turn up noses--
Just one last thought and then this closes:
We should remember, we poor clowns,
That life is full of ups and downs.
Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his
team's woeful record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the
road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on
the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were
"stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
From an ex-nazi SS interrogator, now a watchmaker, to the
clock that won't run and which he is repairing: "Ve haf vays off
making you tock!"
In this fast-paced, modern world, it only takes a fraction of
the time it used to for a luxury to become a necessity.
However, when you find yourself convinced that the world is
moving too fast, just find a bank or supermarket line to
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
When you consider the contribution of plumbing to human life,
all the other sciences fade into insignificance. -James Gorman
What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin? ... A jock o'lantern.
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's
"Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown
paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown
paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.
Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun.
A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by.
The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin'
Two guys sitting at a bar, chatting about dogs, and trying to
out-do each other:
1st guy : ''I taught my dog to read.''
2nd guy : ''I know. My dog told me that yesterday.
What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut? ...
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin
by its diameter? ... Pumpkin pi.
What do you get when you cross an Indian with a cow? ...
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt? ...
So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park
and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses,
in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to
spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across
the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they
found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure
their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could
hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had
to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was
underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling
with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much
success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized
up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was
tied and the basses were loaded.
Does a pun about a Mexican Hairless puppy qualify as a short
shaggy dog story?
Subject: Humor: The Farmer's Tractor Collection
An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time
one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he
refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even
bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and
polished them, treating them like museum exhibits. Eventually it
came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his
massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife
in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and
national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait: a few
days later he received a letter from a visiting American
businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors
mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles
himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in
the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening
came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe
smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair
turning out to have much in common. "Well," sighed the farmer
eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I
suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else?
Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much
"Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He
then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in
every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to
the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out
into the night.
"Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on
exams given by the California Department of Transportation's
driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a
four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could
no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
I have a spilling checker, / It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue / Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it, / I'm sure your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh, / My checker tolled me sew.
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but
she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and,
besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough
to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic
suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her
father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
... Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
From: Lyle J Kinnaman < FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The
clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that
it spoke nothing but extremely profane language. After several
months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up
into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking
around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff.
Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said,
"I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "What for?" "For making
an obscene clone fall."
For writers only: Every writer has received rejection
slips; too many of them for most. This may be the "mother of all
rejection slips," translated from a Chinese economic journal. It
goes like this:
"We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were
to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish
any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the
next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret,
compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a
thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity."
A guy who is very fastidious takes his cat to the vet. He is
sure the cat is ill, but the symptoms are very vague and
uncertain. The vet has seen these cases before. He puts the cat
on a table and examimes it from every angle. He lays the cat
down and looks it over, again from every angle. Then he takes
out a syringe and gives the cat an injection. He tells the man
the cat will be fine now, and he can take it home.
At the front desk the clerk says "that will be $315."
"What? That must be SOME medicine!"
"Oh, no," says the clerk, "the medicine was only $15; the $300 was
for the cat scan."
From: Charlie Indelicato < CharlieIn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Musings on the English Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no
egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England
neither French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of
tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a
single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If
you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and
oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are
alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only
when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage
or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited
love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who
ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the singular lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock
goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course,
isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
And can you stand more? ... ...
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... 'till you
can find a big stick.
Patience is the art of letting your light still shine after
you have blown your fuse.
Help Wanted: Telepathic Assistant. You know where to apply.
Copyright 1996 by Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
File SENILE.COM found ... Out of memory.
File CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
Hard disk corrupted: Smash forehead on keyboard to exit.
Wife: How many women on PMS does it take to screw in a
Husband: I don't know. How many?
Husband (curious): Oh, how come three?
Wife (on the verge of tears, red-faced and screaming): It
Here are some definitions especially from/for the College
MIDNIGHT OIL: (n) What you make popcorn in.
WRISTWATCH: (n) That device on your arm that lets you know
which class you're currently late for.
WEEKEND : (n) Two day period during which your growling
stomach makes you really wish you'd signed up for the seven
day meal plan.
VENDING MACHINE : (n) A coin operated device for dispensing
breakfast, lunch and usually dinner.
YALE: (1) (n) A well known ivy league university. (2)
(v) What southern cheerleaders do.
YEARBOOK: (n) A book containing student pictures that will
keep getting nerdier and nerdier as the years go by.
YESTERDAY: (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight
ZERO: (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of
the pizza you ordered.
ZOO: (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little
The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you
bring up there. -Robert M. Pirsig.
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before. -- Steven Wright.
Say: ... Where do baby storks come from?
Baseball: 10 or 12 minutes of excitment crammed into 2 or 3
A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he
noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving.
He called it to the bartender's attention, who glanced at it and
said, "It's just a ladybug." After a moment of stunned silence
the customer said, "My goodness, what incredible eyesight you
"Excuse me, where is the library at?"
"Here at Hahvahd, we nevah end a sentence with a
"O.K. Excuse me. Where is the library at, jackass?"
Sniglets: words for things that should have words but don't
(By Rich Hall):
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' dee yon ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and
off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' ree um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at
its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having
to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or,
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself
through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display
phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the
phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece
of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by
asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no
matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator
button the faster it will arrive.
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so
badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to
be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice
before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
THERMOSTATRICS (ther mo stat' rix)
n. Similar to 'elecelleration' above, the mistaken notion that
if you set the thermostat to 95 degrees the room will warm up to
a comfortable 70 degrees faster.
When I die I want to be asleep like my grandfather was. Not
screaming like the passengers in his car.
There were 3 passengers on a small plane along with the
pilot. One was the smartest man in the world, one was a
minister, and the other was a young college student. All of a
sudden, the pilot shouted that the plane was going down. There
were only 3 parachutes. The pilot said that he had a wife and
children who needed him, took one of the chutes and jumped out.
There were now 2 parachutes. The smartest man in the world said,
"I am the smartest man in the world, and I have made great
contributions to civilization and culture and I must live so I
can continue to do so. He grabbed a pack and jumped out. The
minister turned to the student and said, "I have lived a long
and full life and I am ready to meet my creator. You are young,
and have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last
parachute." The student smiled and said, "Relax Rev; the
smartest man in the world jumped out of the plane with my
Title: Puns; Word
plays; Other Nonsense and Foolishness; Humor; Jokes; Good Clean
Fun - Volume 1a.The primary URL for this
page is at: http://www.GoChet.ca/puns_v1a.htmPage maintained by:
Chet Meek, firstname.lastname@example.org ... direct
mail.Page last updated:
10 September 2014 (Sm2.26n ff, w/SC; Win7pOn).
Page created: 1 July 1996.