Chet Meek's Page of Puns, Part A

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 2 October 2007).

Newest ones are added at the top in each category.

Go to Other Pun Pages.

Go to Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness. They are all short; but there are lots.
Go to "For the Younger Set." Only a few for now. If you send some more, I'll add them.
Go to "By the Younger Set." Only a few for now here too. Please send some more.
Go to the Shaggy Dog Stories. They are longer, but there are a lot fewer of them too.
Go to the Jokes of Most Any Sort. They are what was left over.
 
 

Other Pun Pages:

• See the "Other Pun Pages"  and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness.

• Does fuzzy logic tickle?

• At Scotland's Glasgow University, the following note was seen hanging on a lecturer's door: "Today's tutorial is canceled because Dr. N. is il." After the misspelled final word, a student had penciled in: "(sic)".

• So, when naming groups of items [called collective nouns], you've heard of a pride of lions, an exaltation of larks, a conspiracy of ravens and a charm of finches. ... ... How about the following?

• In the list below, we keep the convention of AWAD using AT instead of @ in e-mail addresses.

• a hassle of errands,
• a magnum of hit-men,
• a quarrel of lawyers,
• a shortage of dwarves,
• a sulk of teenagers,
• a plunder of goons.
• an encroachment of fence-builders.
• a fascination of on-lookers/listeners.
• an embellishment of fishermen.
• a treachery of spies.
• a thrombosis of heart specialists.
• a vagary of impediments.
• a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
• a conflagration of arsonists/pyromaniacs.
• an assassination of gangsters.
• a mixture of pharmacists.
• an incantation of witches/wizards/warlocks.
• a density of meatheads.
• an obfuscation of philosophers/politicians/economists.
• a clutch of mechanics.
• a phile of lovers.
• a spider of webmasters.
• a clique of computer mice.
• a plurality of collectives.
• an enterprise of trekkies.
• a 404 of lost web pages.
• a ___ of nihilists.
• a brace of orthodontists.
• a somephony of music critics.
• A clique of photographers. - Lydia Ross (lydiarossATaol.com).
• A barf of bulimics. - Steph Selice (redheditorATaol.com).
• A surfeit of spammers. - Peter Moore (petermoore1ATgmail.com).
• A blather of bloggers. - Scott S. Zacher (scottzATnorthwestern.edu).
• A contingent of understudies. - Ben Yudkin (ben_yudkinATonetel.com).
• A flight of runaway brides. - Michelle Geissbuhler (goathillATcolumbus.rr.com).
• A Covey of highly effective people. - Esther Krieger (estikriegerATjuno.com).
• A pinch of shoplifters. - Jim Vander Woude (jvanderwoudeATmacatawa.com).
• A stupor of television viewers. - Rabbi Vander Cecil (rabbiATaataa.org).
• a remora of lawyers. -- (if you're not familiar, look up 'remora' - it's worth it)

• If you are not done, see Ojo's Collective Nouns website. Lots of fun.

• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? ... Half way.

• The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Twice.

• I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

• A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

• Q: What does an Olympic fencing hopeful do at noon each day ?
• A: Leaves his office and goes out to lunge.

• Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

• Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

• A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit

• "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

• Seminar Topic:
• "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Phobias But Were Afraid To Ask."

• What is a Quark? ... The noise a well bred duck makes.

• For the academics: The difference between theory and practice in practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.

• Will Windows95 live long and phosphor?

• What do you get if you cross a parakeet and a parachute? ... Null parity.

• Today is the day for decisive action! ... Or is it?

• I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.

• The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

• Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

• I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.

• "Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

• "The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." - Anatole France.

• Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve.
• Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.

• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

• Shin: A very sensitive device for finding furniture in the dark.

• Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.

• Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproven assumption to a foregone conclusion.

• The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

• What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be a completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless thinking.

• Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it.

• Saying "Gesundheit!" doesn't really help the common cold; but it's every bit as effective as anything the medical profession has prescribed.

• An expensive circuit protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

• A man walks nervously into a field with a bull. He spies a farmer on the other side of the fence and asks, "Is this bull safe?"
• The farmer replies, "He's as safe as can be; but I can't say the same for you."

• If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?

• The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
• I said, "I don't know. ... You can't see out the other way."

• Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

• "I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard to say. "My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a deep depression."

• It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.

• The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.

• The most important things in life aren't things.

• These I have never understood:
• We chop down trees but chop up wood;
• We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
• We run down foes, we run up bills;
• We eat food up, we down a drink,
• Which is a little strange, I think.
• We turn down offers, turn up noses--
• Just one last thought and then this closes:
• We should remember, we poor clowns,
• That life is full of ups and downs.

• Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team's woeful record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

• A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."

• How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

• From an ex-nazi SS interrogator, now a watchmaker, to the clock that won't run and which he is repairing: "Ve haf vays off making you tock!"

• In this fast-paced, modern world, it only takes a fraction of the time it used to for a luxury to become a necessity.

• However, when you find yourself convinced that the world is moving too fast, just find a bank or supermarket line to reassure yourself.

• Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

• When you consider the contribution of plumbing to human life, all the other sciences fade into insignificance. -James Gorman

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Now for the younger set:

• What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin? ... A jock o'lantern.

• A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.

"Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown
paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown
paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

• Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun.

A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by.
The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"

• Two guys sitting at a bar, chatting about dogs, and trying to out-do each other:

1st guy : ''I taught my dog to read.''
2nd guy : ''I know. My dog told me that yesterday.

• What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut? ... chrysanthemummies.

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? ... Pumpkin pi.

• What do you get when you cross an Indian with a cow? ... Geronimoo.

• What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt? ... Hopscotch.

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Here are some BY the Younger Set:

• One horsepower: the energy required to drag a dead horse 550 feet in 1 second.

• A molecule is so small it cannot be seen by the naked observer.

• The future of "I give" is "I take."

• The parts of speech are lungs and air.

• The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

• A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

• Define H2O and CO2: -- H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

• A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

• The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

• A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

• Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

• The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

• We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

• One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

• A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

• One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

• To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

• The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

• The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

• Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

• The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

• Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

• The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

• In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

• A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

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L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

• So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

• Does a pun about a Mexican Hairless puppy qualify as a short shaggy dog story?

• Subject: Humor: The Farmer's Tractor Collection

An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common. "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke."
"Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
"Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

• The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

• Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
• A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

• Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
• A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

• Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
• A: Your car.

• Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
• A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

• Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
• A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

• Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
• A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

• Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
• A: The color.

• Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
• A: Heavy psychedelics.

• Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
• A: Carry loaded weapons.

• I have a spilling checker, / It came with my PC;

It plainly marks four my revue / Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it, / I'm sure your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh, / My checker tolled me sew.

• There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
• ... Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.

• From: Lyle J Kinnaman < FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>

A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language. After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff. Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "What for?" "For making an obscene clone fall."

• For writers only: Every writer has received rejection slips; too many of them for most. This may be the "mother of all rejection slips," translated from a Chinese economic journal. It goes like this:

"We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity."

• A guy who is very fastidious takes his cat to the vet. He is sure the cat is ill, but the symptoms are very vague and uncertain. The vet has seen these cases before. He puts the cat on a table and examimes it from every angle. He lays the cat down and looks it over, again from every angle. Then he takes out a syringe and gives the cat an injection. He tells the man the cat will be fine now, and he can take it home.

At the front desk the clerk says "that will be $315."
"What? That must be SOME medicine!"
"Oh, no," says the clerk, "the medicine was only $15; the $300 was for the cat scan."

• From: Charlie Indelicato < CharlieIn@AOL.COM>

Subject: Musings on the English Language

• Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England neither French fries in France.

• Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

• We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

• And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

• If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

• Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

• Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

• You have to marvel at the singular lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

• English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... 'till you can find a big stick.

• Patience is the art of letting your light still shine after you have blown your fuse.

• Help Wanted: Telepathic Assistant. You know where to apply.

• Copyright 1996 by Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

• File SENILE.COM found ... Out of memory.

• File CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

• Hard disk corrupted: Smash forehead on keyboard to exit.

• Wife: How many women on PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
• Husband: I don't know. How many?
• Wife: Three.
• Husband (curious): Oh, how come three?
• Wife (on the verge of tears, red-faced and screaming): It just does!

• Here are some definitions especially from/for the College Crowd:
• MIDNIGHT OIL: (n) What you make popcorn in.
• WRISTWATCH: (n) That device on your arm that lets you know which class you're currently late for.
• WEEKEND : (n) Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you'd signed up for the seven day meal plan.
• VENDING MACHINE : (n) A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and usually dinner.
• YALE: (1) (n) A well known ivy league university. (2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.
• YEARBOOK: (n) A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier and nerdier as the years go by.
• YESTERDAY: (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.
• ZERO: (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered.
• ZOO: (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

• The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there. -Robert M. Pirsig.

• Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. -- Steven Wright.

• Say: ... Where do baby storks come from?

• Baseball: 10 or 12 minutes of excitment crammed into 2 or 3 hours.

• A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention, who glanced at it and said, "It's just a ladybug." After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "My goodness, what incredible eyesight you have!"

• "Excuse me, where is the library at?"
• "Here at Hahvahd, we nevah end a sentence with a preposition."
• "O.K. Excuse me. Where is the library at, jackass?"

• Sniglets: words for things that should have words but don't (By Rich Hall):

• ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' dee yon ay tid)

adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

• AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)

adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

• AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' ree um)

n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or, ear).

• BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)

n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

• BUZZACKS (buz' aks)

n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

• CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)

n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

• DIMP (dimp)

n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

• DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')

v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

• ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)

n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

• EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)

n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

• ELBONICS (el bon' iks)

n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

• ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)

n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

• FRUST (frust)

n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

• LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)

n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

• NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)

n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

• PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')

n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

• PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)

adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

• PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.

The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

• PUPKUS (pup' kus)

n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

• TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)

n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

• THERMOSTATRICS (ther mo stat' rix)

n. Similar to 'elecelleration' above, the mistaken notion that if you set the thermostat to 95 degrees the room will warm up to a comfortable 70 degrees faster.

• When I die I want to be asleep like my grandfather was. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

• There were 3 passengers on a small plane along with the pilot. One was the smartest man in the world, one was a minister, and the other was a young college student. All of a sudden, the pilot shouted that the plane was going down. There were only 3 parachutes. The pilot said that he had a wife and children who needed him, took one of the chutes and jumped out. There were now 2 parachutes. The smartest man in the world said, "I am the smartest man in the world, and I have made great contributions to civilization and culture and I must live so I can continue to do so. He grabbed a pack and jumped out. The minister turned to the student and said, "I have lived a long and full life and I am ready to meet my creator. You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute." The student smiled and said, "Relax Rev; the smartest man in the world jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

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