Chet Meek's Page of Puns, Part B

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 2 Octobedr 2007).

Newest ones are added at the top in each category.

Go to Other Pun Pages.

Go to Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness. They are all short; but there are lots.
Go to "For the Younger Set." Only a few for now. If you send some more, I'll add them.
Go to "By the Younger Set." Only a few for now here too. Please send some more.
Go to the Shaggy Dog Stories. They are longer, but there are a lot fewer of them too.
Go to the Jokes of Most Any Sort. They are what was left over.
 
 

Other Pun Pages:

• See the "Other Pun Pages"  and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness.

• Did you know that in Japanese, tofu translates roughly into whale snot?
• Why don't we have cultured oil anywhere ... instead of only crude oil.
• What do owls sing as they scowl in a really bad rainstorm? ... "To wet to woo."
• Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.
• "We just tell them they're going to die."

• Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
• I refuse to worry about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth doing that won't add three years to your stay in a geriatrics ward.
• Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Diet with unstinting discipline. ... Die anyway.
• Did you hear about the Japanese/Jewish restaurant that wasn't too clean? ... It was called "So Sume."

• Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's Fifth.
• Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? ... Yes; it runs in your genes.
• If it runs down only one leg is it monorrhea?
• If it doesn't stop, you dia a rea slow death.
• If you wipe and come up dry, is it gone arrhea?

• Do you know the German word for brassiere? ... Stopemfrumfloppen.
• Do you know what a cobra is? ... A bra for siamese twins.
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from height, what would happen?
• You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
• Time is that attribute of the universe which keeps everything from happening at once. Lately it hasn't been working so well.

• Did you hear what happened to Frigidaire? ... Kelvinator.
• What do you get when you cross a mafia boss with an Economist? ... An offer you can't understand.
• What phobia is a fear of being asked "Who goes there?" ... Friendorphobia.
• What is fear of meeting a fat man in a red suit in a confined room for hanging clothes? ... Santaclaustrophobia.
• What is fear of the force? ... Obiewancanobieaphobia.

• What is fear of people named Phoebe? ... Phoebiaphobia.
• Test: To see if your mission on earth is complete.
• ... If you are still alive, it isn't.

• Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?
• The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork."
• The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"
• The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

• Did you hear about the new Mark Furman Beer? It has no head; it comes in a bottle with a long red neck; and their slogan is "we beat anybody."
• Is an organization a home for wayward accordions?
• If, at first, you don't succeed, click "undo."
• Do you know the problem with French immersion? They don't hold them under long enough.
• How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.

• French gourmet BBQ: haute dog.
• Divorce: the transformation from a duet to a duel.
• The groudskeeper at a large cemetery stated proudly in his resume: "I have 10,000 people under me."
• Two cows were gossiping. Said one: "I herd it through the bo-vine."
• If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?

• What do you call a fly with no wings? ... A walk.
• DAM (def'n): Mothers Against Dyslexia.
• Did you know Zsa Zsa Gabor has a new perfume? It is called "Arrested." ... Apparently you just slap it on.
• A news report indicated that women taking zinc during pregnancy had healthier babies. ... This should galvanize support for vitamins containing zinc, I suppose. Is this irony, ore what?

• Is a cartographer a guy who takes pictures of his car?
• Then is a foe-tographer one who takes pictures of his enemies?
• And is a stenographer one who takes pictures of his secretary?
• And is a faux-tographer one who takes pictures of life's embarrassing moments?

• "Support bowling! Get your kids off the streets and into the alleys."

• Archives? Is that where Noah kept his bees?
• A1: No. Ar-chives come from Ar garden.
• A2: No. It was a rash he got from the honey.

• Several Scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize.
• They discovered and calibrated with dental equipment the smallest particles known to man.
• ... They were known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark."
• [Keep your ion this pun.]

• How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
• ... Approximately 1.000000000000

• How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
• ... None. Efficiency experts only replace dark bulbs.

• How many software experts does it take to change a light bulb?
• ... None. It is a hardware problem.

• There is a restaurant called "The Moon." ... Good food, but no atmosphere.
• What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large.
• If you mix milk of magnesia and O.J. and vodka do you get a Phillips Screwdriver?
• What did the man with no legs say to the man with no arms?
• ... I don't know either. But it WASN'T "Hey, will you hand me my shoes, please."

• What is the difference between writing about reality and writing fiction?
• Fiction has to make sense.
• Dennis Miller on Jay Leno's Tonite Show: This O.J. trial has gone on so long now that Johnny Cochran and William Shapiro have shed three skins already.
• One undersea diver to another: "with fronds like these, who needs anemone?" "Keep it up; you will make anemone of everyone." These fish puns are a bunch abalone.
• What do you call a Girl Guide in Belgium? A Brussels Scout?

• Say, are those cookies made of real girl scouts?
• Bank for virgins: Chaste Manhattan.
• If you are a sheep rancher on the move, do you carry your livestock in a ewe-haul truck?
• A financially strapped cowboy was considering mortgaging his white horse. He was in loan danger as he went to see the loan arranger. He better do it pronto, or it might be a hearty "bye ol' Silver!"

• Was your uncle who died a band or orchestra conductor? ... No: lightning.
• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
• Two cows talking under the shade of a tree: "I hear the budget will not be balanced until we come home."
• At the bank I asked the teller to check my balance. She gave me a little shove. Better not teller friends. She couldn't budget.
• What do you get if you do not pay your exorcist promptly? ... Repossessed.
• Age is a heavy penalty to pay for maturity and wisdom.

Now for the younger set:

• What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
• ... peanut butter.
• Q. What did one eye say to the other ?
• A. Just between you and me ... there's something that smells.
• Q. Why were the screams coming from the kitchen ?
• A. The cook was beating the eggs.
• Q. Who were the first people to invent a plane that couldn't fly ?
• A. The wrong brothers.
• Q: What is the biggest ant?
• A: An Elephant
• Q:If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?
• A: None. Roosters Don't Lay Eggs!
• Q: What do you lose every time you stand up?
• A: Your Lap!
• Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
• ... To a crow bar.

• Here's a little story about two horses:
• One-one was a race horse.
• Two-two was one too.
• One-one won a race one day.
• Two-two won one too.

• What did the Russian call his pet rodent? ... Comrat.
• What's the name of the snake that joined the Canadian police force? ... Mountie Python.

• The teacher asked her class to use the word choo-choo in a sentence. First she called on Alice who said "The choo-choo pulled the train up the hill and down the hill."
• "Good," the teacher replied. Next she turned to Leroy and said, "Please use choo-choo in a sentence."
• "The choo-choo is chugging really fast."
• "All right," said the teacher. Then she asked, "Armondo, can you use the word choo-choo in a sentence?"
• Armondo says, "You toucha my car an I'll choo-choo."

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

WHAT, EXACTLY, IS MARIAGE?

• "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents!" -Eric, age 6.

• "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9.
• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." Carolyn, age 8.

• "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." Carolyn, age 8.
• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" Bert, age 5.

• "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." Lottie, age 9.

• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10.
• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." Craig, age 9.

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

• These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.
• "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
• "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
• "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
• "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
• "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
• "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
• "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

• "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
• "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
• "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
• "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
• "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
• "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
• "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
• "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
• "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
• "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
• "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
• "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

• "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
• "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
• "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
• "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
• "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
• "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
• "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
• "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
• "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
• "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

• A reporter was interviewing a decrepit, wizened up, wrinkled man of clearly advanced age. She wondered if he adhered to any special diet. "Oh, yeah," said the man, "I drink two quarts of beer and a pint of whisky daily, and smoke at least two big black Cuban cigars. My favorite food is french fries and gravy."
• "Amazing! How old did you say you were?"
• "Thirty-two."

• An unfortunate man was born without arns, legs or a torso. Throughout life he sang the blues, longing for a body, and dreamed about it often. One morning he awoke after one such dream with arms, legs and torso! Amazed and full of wonder, he ran out into the street hollering to everybody "look, I have a body!" He wasn't watching carefully, however, because a truck came along and ran over him. He was DOA at the morgue. Moral: Quit while you are a head.
• He should have been singing "I ain't got nobody. ... There's nobody for me!"

• This is from a newsgroup alt.humor.puns which specializes in puns and word plays.
• Somebody wrote something about a "lion" that I missed, but he mis-spelled "lion" as "loin." In any other setting, people would just recognize the typo (or miss it entirely) and be on with it. In this group you can bet somebody will make something out of it. Below are (highly edited) excerpts of some of the responses:

• First potshot: I knew tigers were dangerous, but that bit about a large hungry loin taking down a deer was especially frightening.
• So somebody else says: You ought to see what the entire porterhouse can do to an elk.
• And many others: That depends on whether it is a flank attack or not.
• I wouldn't steak my life on it.
• Gnaw ... me neither.
• This thread is showing an annoying tendon-cy to go off topic.
• I get it! All these comments are in the same vein!
• Did we hit a tender spot there?
• No, he is just ribbing you.
• Please, spare me!
• There is more here than meats the eye.
• Do you have a bone to pick with this thread?
• Well done! Which is RARE for this MEDIUM.

• Legal Terms:
• Acquit - . . . . . . . . . To wimp out.
• Appellate - . . . . . . . Hampster food.
• Arraign - . . . . . . . . Stormy weather.
• Attorney - . . . . . . . Major sporting event.
• Bar Association - . . Drinking buddies.
• Appeal - . . . . . . . . . OJ Simpson's Cologne
• Writ - . . . . . . . . . . . past tense of write.
• Criminal Lawyer - . Redundant.
• Debtor - . . . . . . . . . Less alive.
• Deceit - . . . . . . . . . A place to sit down.
• Evidence - . . . . . . . Denture cleaner.
• Extradition - . . . . . . More math homework.
• Defense - . . . . . . . . What keeps de dog in.

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

• A baby sardine was happily swimming in the ocean near its mother when it saw its first submarine. The mother sardine quickly reassured her frightened offspring. "Don't worry, dear. That's just a can of people."
• There were these two fish in a tank. One truns to the other and says: "So, ... do you know how to drive this thing?"
• In most of life, you have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find a prince.
• Pirates:
• Two pirates talking. One has a wooden leg and an eye patch. "How'd you get that wooden leg, mate?"
• "Ay, it got bit off by a varmint shark."
• "How'd you get that metal hook?"
• "Lost 'er in a sword fight. Another pirate cut off me bloody hand.
• "How'd you get that eye patch?"
• "Well, I was up in the crowsnest and I looked up to spy this seagull. The darn thing pooped in me eye!
• "Well, how'd THAT make you blind?"
• "Arrrrrgh!  T'was the first day I had me new hook!"

• Let's not be too critical of the tobacco industry. After all, it *has* found a cure for old age.

• These are for Aerobics Instructors:
• Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?
• A. The torturer would apologize first.
• Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
• A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
• Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?
• A. They both tear hams into shreds.
• Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!
• Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
• A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

• You might be a Republican if ... (short list):
• You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
• The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're all richer than you are.
• When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
• Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
• You've ever said "Clean air? ... Looks clean to me."
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy, doesn't want to contribute to society and chooses to live there."
• You have named your children after their parents or grandparents ... according to where the money is.

• A farmer routinely slept all night peacefully, even though at exactly 3.07 every morning a train passed and blew its whistle very loud and long. Then one night for some reason the train did not pass. At 3.07 the farmer sat up, wild-eyed, in the dark silence and said, "What was that?"

• YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER ...
• If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab ventilation [and you have calculated exactly what it is].
• If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger Wave experiment ... with a cat.
• If, when your professor asks you where your homework is, you have the temerity claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

• Jewish Mother!
• William Greenberg was elected the first Jewish American President of the United States.
• After his inauguration, he called his mother in New York and invited her to come and stay with him in the White House and see Washington, DC.
• [She was none too pleased that he had become a politician].
• Mrs. Greenberg: Oy, it's such a schlep, the subway is so crowded, the traffic to the airport is so awful, the planes are so jammed.
• President Greenberg: Ma, what are you talking about? I'll have the Secret Service come up and get you. I'll send Air Force One to fly you down here.
• Mrs. Greenberg: Oy, I'll have to look for a motel to stay in, the schlep is so awful.
• President Greenberg: Ma, what are you talking about?
• You'll stay here with me in the White House. You'll stay in one of the famous bedrooms, like the Lincoln room. You won't have a thing to worry about. Please come.
• So Mrs. Greenberg reluctantly agrees and starts packing. Soon, her neighbor, Mrs. Neusbaum, come over.
• Mrs. Neusbaum: Sadie, what are you packing for?
• Mrs. Greenberg: Oy, the brother of my son THE DOCTOR wants me to come and see his new house.

• When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
• If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works ... in Braille.
• Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
• The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
• A groggy patient, just recovering from major surgery after a nasty accident says, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" "Of course you can't," snaps the doctor, "we also had to amputate both your arms."

• Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to the White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard stopped him and asked, "What's in that case?"
• To be funny, Benny replied, "A machine-gun."
• "Thank goodness," deadpanned the guard, "I was afraid you had brought your violin!"

• What do you get when you cross-breed a parrot and a lion? I dont know either, but when it talks, you'd better listen!

• Three doctors were discussing their favorite surgical patients to work on.
• The first indicated that he thought plumbers were the easiest to work on. "You open them up and everything is connected at right angles with the perfect drop, and clean, free flowing pipes."
• The second believed that her favorites were librarians. "You open them up and everything is well organized according to the Dewey Decimal system, easy to find and rather quiet internal organs."
• The third doctor admitted that both the others were nice, but that his favorites were lawyers. "Lawyers?!?", the others explained. "Why yes," he explained, "you open them up and there's no heart, no guts and the head and the butt are interchangeable!"

• Maturity is that stage in your life when you are finally able to determine which bridges to cross and which to burn.

• The following are Bible stories according to budding biblical schollars.

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

• The Jews were a proud people, and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.