... word plays, catchy phrases, and
I take no credit for this material.
I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup
alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing,
alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have
made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely
know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show
attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.
ones are added at the top in each category.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes
I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
And I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me
I am not!
I have been in Deep Do-do many times.
The older I get, the easier it is to get there.
actually I've been in Deep Do-do for quite some time now.
And as I get older, I really don't care as much about it any
But then, I'm married. Marriage and Deep Do-do seem to go
I wandered around in Continent,
... and soon felt something running down my leg.
Did you know that in Japanese, tofu translates roughly into
Why don't we have cultured oil anywhere ... instead of only
What do owls sing as they scowl in a really bad rainstorm?
... "To wet to woo."
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We
asked how they prepare their chickens.
"We just tell them they're going to die."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? ... You do
all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I refuse to worry about what I eat. There is no pleasure
worth doing that won't add three years to your stay in a
Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Diet with unstinting discipline.
... Die anyway.
Did you hear about the Japanese/Jewish restaurant that wasn't
too clean? ... It was called "So Sume."
Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? ... Yes; it runs in your
If it runs down only one leg is it monorrhea?
If it doesn't stop, you dia a rea slow death.
If you wipe and come up dry, is it gone arrhea?
Do you know the German word for brassiere? ...
Do you know what a cobra is? ... A bra for siamese twins.
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped
it from height, what would happen?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the
protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Time is that attribute of the universe which keeps everything
from happening at once. Lately it hasn't been working so well.
Did you hear what happened to Frigidaire? ... Kelvinator.
What do you get when you cross a mafia boss with an
Economist? ... An offer you can't understand.
What phobia is a fear of being asked "Who goes there?" ...
What is fear of meeting a fat man in a red suit in a confined
room for hanging clothes? ... Santaclaustrophobia.
What is fear of the force? ... Obiewancanobieaphobia.
What is fear of people named Phoebe? ... Phoebiaphobia.
Test: To see if your mission on earth is complete.
... If you are still alive, it isn't.
Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about
their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?
The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only
spoiled the woodwork."
The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them
and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the
The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them,
and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them
Did you hear about the new Mark Furman Beer? It has no head;
it comes in a bottle with a long red neck; and their slogan is
"we beat anybody."
Is an organization a home for wayward accordions?
If, at first, you don't succeed, click "undo."
Do you know the problem with French immersion? They don't
hold them under long enough.
How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000
and your car cost $500.
French gourmet BBQ: haute dog.
Divorce: the transformation from a duet to a duel.
The groudskeeper at a large cemetery stated proudly in his
resume: "I have 10,000 people under me."
Two cows were gossiping. Said one: "I herd it through the
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
What do you call a fly with no wings? ... A walk.
DAM (def'n): Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Did you know Zsa Zsa Gabor has a new perfume? It is called
"Arrested." ... Apparently you just slap it on.
A news report indicated that women taking zinc during
pregnancy had healthier babies. ... This should galvanize
support for vitamins containing zinc, I suppose. Is this irony,
Is a cartographer a guy who takes pictures of his car?
Then is a foe-tographer one who takes pictures of his
And is a stenographer one who takes pictures of his
And is a faux-tographer one who takes pictures of life's
"Support bowling! Get your kids off the streets and into the
Archives? Is that where Noah kept his bees?
A1: No. Ar-chives come from Ar garden.
A2: No. It was a rash he got from the honey.
Several Scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize.
They discovered and calibrated with dental equipment the
smallest particles known to man.
... They were known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark."
[Keep your ion this pun.]
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
... Approximately 1.000000000000
How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light
... None. Efficiency experts only replace dark bulbs.
How many software experts does it take to change a light
... None. It is a hardware problem.
There is a restaurant called "The Moon." ... Good food, but
What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison? ... A small medium at large.
If you mix milk of magnesia and O.J. and vodka do you get a
What did the man with no legs say to the man with no arms?
... I don't know either. But it WASN'T "Hey, will you hand
me my shoes, please."
What is the difference between writing about reality and
Fiction has to make sense.
Dennis Miller on Jay Leno's Tonite Show: This O.J. trial has
gone on so long now that Johnny Cochran and William Shapiro have
shed three skins already.
One undersea diver to another: "with fronds like these, who
needs anemone?" "Keep it up; you will make anemone of everyone."
These fish puns are a bunch abalone.
What do you call a Girl Guide in Belgium? A Brussels Scout?
Say, are those cookies made of real girl scouts?
Bank for virgins: Chaste Manhattan.
If you are a sheep rancher on the move, do you carry your
livestock in a ewe-haul truck?
A financially strapped cowboy was considering mortgaging his
white horse. He was in loan danger as he went to see the loan
arranger. He better do it pronto, or it might be a hearty "bye
Was your uncle who died a band or orchestra conductor? ...
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Two cows talking under the shade of a tree: "I hear the
budget will not be balanced until we come home."
At the bank I asked the teller to check my balance. She gave
me a little shove. Better not teller friends. She couldn't
What do you get if you do not pay your exorcist promptly? ...
Age is a heavy penalty to pay for maturity and wisdom.
Now for the younger
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
... peanut butter.
Q. What did one eye say to the other ?
A. Just between you and me ... there's something that
Q. Why were the screams coming from the kitchen ?
A. The cook was beating the eggs.
Q. Who were the first people to invent a plane that couldn't
A. The wrong brothers.
Q: What is the biggest ant?
A: An Elephant
Q:If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of
chicks would hatch?
A: None. Roosters Don't Lay Eggs!
Q: What do you lose every time you stand up?
A: Your Lap!
Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
... To a crow bar.
Here's a little story about two horses:
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won a race one day.
Two-two won one too.
What did the Russian call his pet rodent? ... Comrat.
What's the name of the snake that joined the Canadian police
force? ... Mountie Python.
The teacher asked her class to use the word choo-choo in a
sentence. First she called on Alice who said "The choo-choo
pulled the train up the hill and down the hill."
"Good," the teacher replied. Next she turned to Leroy and
said, "Please use choo-choo in a sentence."
"The choo-choo is chugging really fast."
"All right," said the teacher. Then she asked, "Armondo,
can you use the word choo-choo in a sentence?"
Armondo says, "You toucha my car an I'll choo-choo."
are some BY the Younger Set:
These are the answers of six- to
ten-year-olds about various aspects of love: why it happens, what
to do about it, etc., most contributed by Elaine Jordaan
WHAT, EXACTLY, IS MARIAGE?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to
give her back to her parents!" -Eric, age 6.
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and
tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9.
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what
I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
Carolyn, age 8.
CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other."
Carolyn, age 8.
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a
wife!" Bert, age 5.
HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they
went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing,
because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
Lottie, age 9.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10.
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk
about love." Craig, age 9.
puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science
and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college
students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird
science our young scholars can create under the pressures of
time and grades.
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in
a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found
in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin
is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,
and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the
cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax
and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable
cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i,
o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of
the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All
water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins
in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill
effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body
until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and
down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub
her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the
knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has
not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it
drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
A reporter was interviewing a decrepit, wizened up, wrinkled
man of clearly advanced age. She wondered if he adhered to any
special diet. "Oh, yeah," said the man, "I drink two quarts of
beer and a pint of whisky daily, and smoke at least two big
black Cuban cigars. My favorite food is french fries and gravy."
"Amazing! How old did you say you were?"
An unfortunate man was born without arns, legs or a torso.
Throughout life he sang the blues, longing for a body, and
dreamed about it often. One morning he awoke after one such
dream with arms, legs and torso! Amazed and full of wonder, he
ran out into the street hollering to everybody "look, I have a
body!" He wasn't watching carefully, however, because a truck
came along and ran over him. He was DOA at the morgue. Moral:
Quit while you are a head.
He should have been singing "I ain't got nobody. ...
There's nobody for me!"
This is from a newsgroup alt.humor.puns which specializes in
puns and word plays.
Somebody wrote something about a "lion" that I missed, but
he mis-spelled "lion" as "loin." In any other setting, people
would just recognize the typo (or miss it entirely) and be on
with it. In this group you can bet somebody will make
something out of it. Below are (highly edited) excerpts of
some of the responses:
First potshot: I knew tigers were dangerous, but that bit
about a large hungry loin taking down a deer was especially
So somebody else says: You ought to see what the entire
porterhouse can do to an elk.
And many others: That depends on whether it is a flank
attack or not.
I wouldn't steak my life on it.
Gnaw ... me neither.
This thread is showing an annoying tendon-cy to go off
I get it! All these comments are in the same vein!
Did we hit a tender spot there?
No, he is just ribbing you.
Please, spare me!
There is more here than meats the eye.
Do you have a bone to pick with this thread?
Well done! Which is RARE for this MEDIUM.
Acquit - . . . . . . . . . To wimp out.
Appellate - . . . . . . . Hampster food.
Arraign - . . . . . . . . Stormy weather.
Attorney - . . . . . . . Major sporting event.
Bar Association - . . Drinking buddies.
Appeal - . . . . . . . . . OJ Simpson's Cologne
Writ - . . . . . . . . . . . past tense of write.
Criminal Lawyer - . Redundant.
Debtor - . . . . . . . . . Less alive.
Deceit - . . . . . . . . . A place to sit down.
Evidence - . . . . . . . Denture cleaner.
Extradition - . . . . . . More math homework.
Defense - . . . . . . . . What keeps de dog in.
Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:
A baby sardine was happily swimming in the ocean near its
mother when it saw its first submarine. The mother sardine
quickly reassured her frightened offspring. "Don't worry, dear.
That's just a can of people."
There were these two fish in a tank. One truns to the other
and says: "So, ... do you know how to drive this thing?"
In most of life, you have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to
find a prince.
Two pirates talking. One has a wooden leg and an eye patch.
"How'd you get that wooden leg, mate?"
"Ay, it got bit off by a varmint shark."
"How'd you get that metal hook?"
"Lost 'er in a sword fight. Another pirate cut off me
"How'd you get that eye patch?"
"Well, I was up in the crowsnest and I looked up to spy
this seagull. The darn thing pooped in me eye!
"Well, how'd THAT make you blind?"
"Arrrrrgh! T'was the first day I had me new hook!"
Let's not be too critical of the tobacco industry. After all,
it *has* found a cure for old age.
These are for Aerobics Instructors:
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and
a well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon
have in common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.
Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
You might be a Republican if ... (short list):
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because
heck, they're all richer than you are.
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You've ever said "Clean air? ... Looks clean to me."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a
trash can because he is lazy, doesn't want to contribute to
society and chooses to live there."
You have named your children after their parents or
grandparents ... according to where the money is.
A farmer routinely slept all night peacefully, even though at
exactly 3.07 every morning a train passed and blew its whistle
very loud and long. Then one night for some reason the train did
not pass. At 3.07 the farmer sat up, wild-eyed, in the dark
silence and said, "What was that?"
YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER ...
If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to
do long division.
If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
If you've actually used every single function on your
If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of
summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab
ventilation [and you have calculated exactly what it is].
If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want
to break down its wave function.
If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually
performed the Schroedinger Wave experiment ... with a cat.
If, when your professor asks you where your homework is,
you have the temerity claim to have accidentally determined
its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it
could be anywhere in the universe.
William Greenberg was elected the first Jewish American
President of the United States.
After his inauguration, he called his mother in New York
and invited her to come and stay with him in the White House
and see Washington, DC.
[She was none too pleased that he had become a politician].
Mrs. Greenberg: Oy, it's such a schlep, the subway
is so crowded, the traffic to the airport is so awful, the
planes are so jammed.
President Greenberg: Ma, what are you talking
about? I'll have the Secret Service come up and get you. I'll
send Air Force One to fly you down here.
Mrs. Greenberg: Oy, I'll have to look for a motel
to stay in, the schlep is so awful.
President Greenberg: Ma, what are you talking
You'll stay here with me in the White House. You'll stay in
one of the famous bedrooms, like the Lincoln room. You won't
have a thing to worry about. Please come.
So Mrs. Greenberg reluctantly agrees and starts packing.
Soon, her neighbor, Mrs. Neusbaum, come over.
Mrs. Neusbaum: Sadie, what are you packing for?
Mrs. Greenberg: Oy, the brother of my son THE
DOCTOR wants me to come and see his new house.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when
toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing
down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat;
the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a
giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily
link New York with Chicago.
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works ... in
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure
on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to
even it out.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is
constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When
a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
A groggy patient, just recovering from major surgery after a
nasty accident says, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" "Of
course you can't," snaps the doctor, "we also had to amputate
both your arms."
Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to
the White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard
stopped him and asked, "What's in that case?"
To be funny, Benny replied, "A machine-gun."
"Thank goodness," deadpanned the guard, "I was afraid you
had brought your violin!"
What do you get when you cross-breed a parrot and a lion? I
dont know either, but when it talks, you'd better listen!
Three doctors were discussing their favorite surgical
patients to work on.
The first indicated that he thought plumbers were the
easiest to work on. "You open them up and everything is
connected at right angles with the perfect drop, and clean,
free flowing pipes."
The second believed that her favorites were librarians.
"You open them up and everything is well organized according
to the Dewey Decimal system, easy to find and rather quiet
The third doctor admitted that both the others were nice,
but that his favorites were lawyers. "Lawyers?!?", the others
explained. "Why yes," he explained, "you open them up and
there's no heart, no guts and the head and the butt are
Maturity is that stage in your life when you are finally able
to determine which bridges to cross and which to burn.
The following are Bible stories according to budding biblical
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
The Jews were a proud people, and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Title: Puns; Word
plays; Other Nonsense and Foolishness; Humor; Jokes; Good Clean
Fun - Volume 1b.The primary URL for this
page is at: http://www.GoChet.ca/puns_v1b.htmPage maintained by:
Chet Meek, email@example.com ... direct
mail.Page last updated:
10 September 2014 (Sm2.26.n ff, w/SC; Win7pOn).
Page created: 1 July 1996.