Chet Meek's Page of Puns, Part D

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 2 October 2007).

Newest ones are added at the top in each category.

Go to Other Pun Pages.

Go to Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness. They are all short; but there are lots.
Go to "For the Younger Set." Only a few for now. If you send some more, I'll add them.
Go to "By the Younger Set." Only a few for now here too. Please send some more.
Go to the Shaggy Dog Stories. They are longer, but there are a lot fewer of them too.
Go to the Jokes of Most Any Sort. They are what was left over.
 
 

Other Pun Pages:

• See the "Other Pun Pages"  and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness.

• Who are these prominent citizens and politicians?
• Marion Barry -- The two most important jobs of clergymen.
• Mario Cuomo -- A catatonic stupor brought on by playing Nintendo games.
• Lance Ito -- What the Podiatrist does if you have a boil on your foot.

• And definitions for these words or phrases?
• Pocket Veto -- What Mr. Gotti tells his driver after arriving at home.
• Labor Contracts -- What occurs just before childbirth.
• Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails.
• Dilate -- To live long.
• Fibula -- White lie.

• What do you call a cat who just ate an entire mallard in one sitting?
• A duck-filled fattypuss.

• A couple was hunting with a guide in Russia. The weather turned foul, and the couple started to argue if it was rain or sleet. Finally, the woman asked the guide to decide.
• His answer: "Definitely rain. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

• Did you know that William Tell's family bowled in a league sponsored by a merchant? Unfortunately, the records have been lost, so now nobody knows for sure "for whom the Tells bowled."

• A few Retirements here:
• Have ex-underwear salesman been de-briefed?
• Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
• Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
• Have ex-musicians been disconcerted? or decomposed?
• Have ex-writers been erased?
• Have ex-punsters been expunged?
• Have ex-network operators been excommunicated?
• Have retired witch burners been ex-pyred?
• Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
• Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
• Have ex-ski-resort-managers become dislodged?
• Have ex-masochists become disabused?
• Have ex-electricians become degenerate?
• Have ex-cashiers been distilled?
• Have ex-divers been deep-ended?

• Knock, knock.
• Who's there?
• O.J.
• O.J. who?
• Great! You can be on the new jury.

• And from Dennis Miller Live, O.J. Simpson this week expressed concern over the number of jurors who have been dismissed during the trial. O.J. said, "you know, it is ridiculous: Lance Ito changes jurors like most people change their bloody socks."
• Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
• Sign on restaurant window: "If you don't eat here, we both starve."

• A biologist and a mathematician watch a couple enter an empty house.
• Later, they observe three people leaving the house.
• The biologist's conclusion: they reproduced.
• The mathematician's conclusion: if exactly one person goes into the house it will again be empty.

• What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

• What do you holler down a mine shaft before tossing in a grand piano?
• C sharp, or B flat, minor.

• A successful parent (def'n) is any parent who has raised children, who, when they grow up, are able to pay for their own psychoanalysis. - Vivian Carmichael.

• A woman was told by her doctor that she could not have any more children.
• "Inconceivable," said a friend; "impregnable," said another; "unbearable," said a third.

• "People with no vices usually have some pretty annoying virtues." - Liz Taylor.

• What did the cashier say to the customer who complained about the outrageous price of a bottle of pickles?
• "It isn't the pickles, it is the juice. Dill waters run steep."

• The theater critic praised the first show of the season because he did not want to stone the first cast.
• For the same reason a friend of the players in the first show of the season threw a party without recreational drugs or alcohol.

• Did you hear about the bird-hater who went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them? ... He left no tern unstoned.

• Isaac Stern (violin virtuoso) once played all the violin notes from lowest to highest.
• He left no tone unsterned.

• Tanning at the nudist beach leaves no stern untoned.

• How about the name of the one-eyed dinosaur? ... ... D'yathinkhesaurus?
• And his dog: D'yathinkhesaurus Rex?

• What exactly is an "unfunded mandate?" A night on the town with a guy who has no money.

• Some Steven Wright one-liners:
• I know a frustrated photographer who is trying to get a closeup of the horizon.
• I know a frustrated inventor who is trying to figure out how to make dehydrated water.
• Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
• I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
• The other day I saw a man with a wooden leg, ... and a real foot.
• When I woke up this morning my wife asked "did you sleep well?"
• I said, "no, I made a few mistakes."
• I was walking down the street when all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses expired.
• I just bought a microwave fireplace.
• You can spend all evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
• I finally managed to get some powdered water, but I do not know what to add.
• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking: if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
• I went to the General Store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I was born by Caesarean Section, but you really can't tell, ... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he ever just whipped out a quarter?
• Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? ... I don't get it.
• What is another word for Thesaurus?
• Why to ballerinas always stand on their tip-toes?
• Why don't the producers just hire taller dancers?
• I was hitch-hiking and a hearse stopped. I said, "no thanks, I'm not going that far."
• I had a friend who was a small claims court jester.
• [Of a glass of water]:  I mixed this myself ... two glasses of H, one glass of O.
• I hated a friend's dog, so I put little contact lenses on him with pictures of cats. He chases crazily everywhere now. Then I took one out, and he ran in constant circles. I threw him a boomerang to catch.
• I met an older woman the other day wearing pierced hearing aids.
• I know a guy who has one of those circular driveways. He can't get out.
• I bought a blank tape the other day. Then I went home and put it on my stereo and turned up the volume to full blast.
• Soon there was a knock at the door.
• My obnoxious neighbor was there to complain.
• ... He's a mime.
• ... So I used a silencer.

• I went to a toy store and asked to see the toy train schedules.
• While driving the other day I saw a sign: "next rest area 25 miles."
• Wow, that's pretty big, I thought. A lot of people must get tired around here.

• Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
• Snakes have no arms. That is why they do not wear vests. My grandfather told me that. He also made me stand in a little room, face the door and be absolutely silent for three minutes. We had to do it every day. He called it elevator practice.
• The only reason I exist is because my shadow needs something to do.
• I fired my last shadow: it wasn't doing what I was.
• I was walking in the woods and saw a rabbit by a candle making shadows of people on a nearby tree.
• My friend has a big chest full of all the erasers from all the world's golf pencils.
• My other friend was arrested for counterfeiting pennies.
• He got the heads and tails on the wrong side.
• He's in a minimum security prison.
• He wears a whiffle ball and chain.

• Hermits have it easy; they have no peer pressure.
• There is a fine line between fishing and standing in cold water up to your hips looking like a jerk.
• My friend has an answering machine on his car phone.
• It says. "I'm at home just now. I'll call you back when I'm out."
• I live on a one-way, dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.
• I made some wine the other day from raisons ... so it would be automatically aged.
• I stopped at a tourist information booth and said, "so, tell me about somebody who visited here last year."
• I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
• I bought a decaffeinated coffee table last week. You can't tell by smelling it or looking at it.
• This kills me: sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how much water would be there if that was not so.
• It is hard for me to buy clothes: I am not my size. I am extra medium.

• I was driving down the street the other day at 100 miles an hour.
• The cop asked "why?"
• So I told him.
• I had my foot to the floor. It causes more gas to flow through the carburettor. That makes the engine go fast, which makes the wheels really go.

• It doesn't matter what temperature a room is. It is always room temperature.
• What if birds were tickled by feathers.
• On an application form where they ask who to notify in case of an emergency, I always put "the doctor." What is my Mother going to do?
• I wanted to get a whole-body tattoo. ... of me. ... only taller.
• I bought a second-hand diary the other day.
• My girlfriend asked me if I could know how and when I would die would I want to know? I said "no."
• She said, "well, forget it, then."
• I stepped out for a walk. My girlfriend asked how long I would be out. I said, "the whole time."

Now for the younger set:

• A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
• Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
• A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
• Q: What is grey and not there.
• A: No elephants.
• Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
• A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
• Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
• A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
• Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
• A: Take away his credit card.
• Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
• A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
• Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
• A: Lots of room.
• Q: What was the elephant doing on the road?
• A: ... Oh, maybe 2 miles per hour.
• How to catch a squirrel?
• ... Climb the tree and act like a NUT.
• News Item: 100 wigs were stolen.
• Police are combing the area.
• It is bad luck to be superstitious.
• Where do cows go for lunch?
• ... The "calf"-eteria.
• What do you get from a pampered cow?
• ... Spoiled Milk.
• What did the farmer do after he was done milking the first cow?
• ... He milked the "udder" one!
• What do you call a cow who loves honey?
• ... Winnie the Moo.
• Child to mother: "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous.
• She said all I have to do is mess up one more time and I'm history!"

• Voice on phone: Ernie has a cold and can't come to school today.
• School secretary: Who is this?
• Voice on phone: This is my dad.

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

• "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8.
• "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9.

• "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on TV." Jill, age 6.
• "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9.
• "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." Carey, age 7.
• "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8.
• "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10.

• "Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8.
• "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8.

• "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6.
• "Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9.
• "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8.
• "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9.
• "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9.

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

• From: Renee S. Captor (flam1ngo@ix.netcom.com )

Subject: THE CALIFORNIAN GLOSSARY OF MEDICAL TERMS

• Alimentary . . . . . . . . . What Holmes said to Watson
• Artery. . . . . . . . . . . . . Study of Painting
• Bacteria. . . . . . . . . . . Back door to the cafeteria
• Barium. . . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do when treatment fails
• Bowel . . . . . . . . . . . . A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
• Caesarean Section . . . A district in Rome
• Carpal . . . . . . . . . . . . Person you ride to work with
• Castrate . . . . . . . . . . . Market price for setting a fracture
• Catheter. . . . . . . . . . . String instruments
• Cat Scan. . . . . . . . . . . Searching for kitty
• Cauterize . . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her
• Chiropractor . . . . . . . An Egyptian doctor
• Colic . . . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog
• Congenital. . . . . . . . . Friendly
• Cystogram . . . . . . . . . A cable sent to your sister
• D & C . . . . . . . . . . . . Where the White House is
• Denial . . . . . . . . . . . . Where Cleopatra used to swim
• Dilate. . . . . . . . . . . . . To live long
• Elixir . . . . . . . . . . . . . What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a juicy bone
• Enema . . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend
• Fester. . . . . . . . . . . . . Quicker
• Fibula. . . . . . . . . . . . . Small lie
• Genital . . . . . . . . . . . Non Jewish
• G I Series. . . . . . . . . . Soldier baseball
• Grippe. . . . . . . . . . . . Suitcase
• Hangnail. . . . . . . . . . . Coat hook
• High Colonic. . . . . . . . Jewish religious holiday
• Impotent. . . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known
• Inbred . . . . . . . . . . . . . Best way to eat salami
• Labor Pain. . . . . . . . . . Getting hurt at work
• Medical Staff . . . . . . . Doctor's cane
• Morbid. . . . . . . . . . . . Higher offer
• Nitrate . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than the day rate
• Outpatient. . . . . . . . . . Person who has fainted
• Pap Smear . . . . . . . . . Paternity test
• Paradox . . . . . . . . . . . . A couple of quacks
• Pelvis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cousin of Elvis
• Postoperative . . . . . . . . Mail carrier
• Prostate. . . . . . . . . . . . .Flat on your back
• Recovery Room . . . . . . Place to do upholstery
• Rectum. . . . . . . . . . . . . Dang near killed him!
• Rheumatic . . . . . . . . . . Amorous
• Secretion . . . . . . . . . . . Hiding something
• Seizure . . . . . . . . . . . . Roman emperer
• Terminal Illness. . . . . Getting sick at the airport
• Tibia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Country in North Africa
• Tolerance . . . . . . . . . . What you get if you give growth hormone to ants
• Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . . . More than one
• Urine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you're out
• Varicose. . . . . . . . . . . . Near by
• Vein. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Conceited

• The Puritans:
• There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways. Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret and the older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, "It is I before Thee, except after She!" [mikeeh@interserv.com].

• Benny the Nomad.
• In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief. After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council toghether to get their advice. When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
• Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true.
• Moral: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.

• Montgomery Stein had committed the perfect crime! Inventing a time machine, he had robbed a bank, then calmly whisked himself 7 years and 1 day into the future, therefore outrunning the Statute of Limitations. Many arguments ensued between his defense lawyer and the DA over this. Finally, the judge ruled in favor of the defendant, saying: "A niche in time saves Stein." [Steve Poggio (steve.poggio@channel1.com)].

• Did you hear the pun about the very short fellow of Czechoslovakian descent who was being chased on a downtown street by a mobster? He was losing ground because his legs were so short, so he ducked into a bank to hide. To the startled teller he enquired: "Can you cache a small Czech?"

• In the Stock Market today,
• Helium was up,
• Feathers were down, and paper was stationery.
• Weights were up in heavy trading.
• Fluorescent tubes were down in light trading.
• Light switches were off.
• Knives were up sharply.
• Cows were steered into a bull market.
• Pencils were down a few points.
• Hiking equipment was trailing.
• Elevators were up.
• Escalators experienced a slight decline.
• Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
• Pain relievers soared. (Sore?)
• Diapers were unchanged.
• The major shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
• Prunes plum-meted.
• Coca Cola was pop-ular amongst traders.
• Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
• Sun peaked at mid-day.
• Balloon prices were inflated.
• There was heavy trading in metals,
• ... and the bottom fell out of disposable diapers.

• Once upon a time there was a king that lived at the bottom of a very tall hill. On top of the hill there was a pot of gold guarded by two golden fingers. One day the king ran out of gold. He thought it would be a good idea to take the gold from the top of the hill. It was a very dangerous job, so the king sent all of the knights in the castle. The knights rode up the hill. As soon as they reached the golden fingers, they died. The king was very sad, but he still needed the gold. So the king decided to send the nobles. Same result. The only people left in the castle were the pages who were training to be knights. The king really, really wanted the gold, so he decided to send the pages. They rode to the top of the hill. As soon as they went through the golden fingers, they got the pot of gold. They took the gold to the happy king. They all lived happily ever after. ... "Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers."

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

• Multilingualisms:

• HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
• EX POST FACTO - Lost in the mail
• IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
• VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered
• VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
• J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend
• COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle
• RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
• RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots
• QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
• LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding.
• HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
• QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
• ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; ... from such a pain you should never know
• VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it
• MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.
• AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
• L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here
• L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge
• POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
• PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown
• MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
• FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat

• Chinese Phrase ... English Translation

• Ai Bang Mai Ne ... I bumped into the coffee table
• Chin Tu Fat ... You need a face lift
• Dum Gai ... A stupid person
• Gun Pao Der ... An ancient Chinese invention
• Hu Flung Dung ... Which one of you fertilized the field?
• Hu Yu Hai Ding ... We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
• Jan Ne Kaw Sun ... A former late night talk show host
• Kum Hia ... Approach me
• Lao Ze Sho ... Gilligan's Island
• Lao Zi ... Not very good
• Lin Ching ... An illegal execution
• Moon Lan Ding ... A great achievement of the American space program
• Ne Ahn ... A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
• Shai Gai ... A bashful person
• Tai Ne Bae Be ... A premature infant
• Tai Ne Po Ne ... A small horse
• Ten Ding Ba ... Serving drinks to people
• Wan Bum Lung ... A person with T.B.
• Yu Mai Te Tan ... Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
• Wa Shing Kah ... Cleaning an automobile
• Wai So Dim ... Are you trying to save electricity?
• Wai U Shao Ting ... There is no reason to raise your voice

• Some other enunciation classics, and examples for decoding:
• Izi -- Izi hurt?
• Inchy -- Inchy a looker?
• Ashy -- Ashy got a boyfriend?
• Avenue -- Avenue had enough yet?
• Wassa -- Wassa matter?
• Wezza -- Wezza car parked?
• Oozza -- Oozza boss aroun chere?
• Wizer -- Wizer no cold lemonade on a hot day like this?
• Wewaza -- Wewaza last time he got a touchdown?
• Seer -- Ah din seer yet.
• Kin -- Ay kin barely seer.
• Seat -- Ah can't seat without my glasses.
• Seeus -- Seeus here thing-a-ma-jig?
• Sought -- Ah sought on TV.

• The woman traveling to Israel had checked her baggage thru, except for the cage carrying her dog, for which she wanted special handling and checking and which she received. The flight was uneventful. After landing, the baggage appeared after a normal wait. However, the dog cage was not there. The baggage handlers noticed that the dog was not moving. After checking, they thought that the dog must have died in the cold baggage compartment. It looked like an ordinary cocker spaniel, so they decided to find another cocker spaniel to put in the cage. In the meantime, the woman kept asking about the rest of her baggage. She was told that it was delayed because of the special handling required and to be patient. Time dragged on for her while the baggage handlers found a replacement dog in a pet shop, which they put into the cage. They finally brought the cage with dog to her and she looked into the cage. She jumped back with a horrified look and screamed out, "THIS is not my dog! MY DOG was DEAD; and I was bringing her here for a proper Jewish burial."

• Merry Christmas greeting (from the legal beagles -- without prejudice):

• I. Though we, the "Greetor," wish you well / In our Holiday Entreaty,
• We limit all your claims, Dear Friend / (Herinafter called the "Greetee").

• II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums / And dancing Christmas Lights,
• But if these Fancies come to Naught / You have no Vested Rights.

• III. In no case shall we be at fault / In Implied Claims of Fitness,
• And all Writs of Depression must / Be Sworn before a Witness.

• IV. Although our Approbations / Are Warranted full free
• Of Defects in Sincerity / There is no Guarantee.

• V. Whenever there's a Conflict / These, our Contract Terms, will rule;
• The "Greetee" then is on his own / To have a Happy Yule.

• VI. We hope that You, Your Kith and Kin / Find Christmas Viability;
• But if You don't, note now that We / Decline all Liability.

• VII. So if you don't hear Sleigh Bells ring, / Or smell the fresh cut Pines,
• You have, "Greetee," Released our Firm, / Successors, and Assigns.

• VIII. And if Our Heartfelt Christmas Wish / By Counter Claim is marred,
• We may, at our Sole Option, / Repossess this Christmas Card.

• Accepted: ________________________
• . . . . . . . . . . . . (Greetee)

• Witness: ________________________

• Some Cowboy Wisdom:
• The only way to drive cattle fast is to do it slow.
• A person who agrees with all your palaver is either a fool, or he is gettin' ready to skin ya.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over on itself and put it back in your pocket.
• Never take another man's bet. He wouldn't be offering it if he didn't know somethin' you don't.
• A body can pretend to care, but they can't pretend to be there.
• Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It usually ain't their fault.
• When you're tryin' somethin' new, the fewer people who know about it, the better.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.