... word plays, catchy phrases, and
I take no credit for this material.
I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup
alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing,
alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have
made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely
know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show
attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.
ones are added at the top in each category.
Marion Barry -- The two most important jobs of clergymen.
Mario Cuomo -- A catatonic stupor brought on by playing
Lance Ito -- What the Podiatrist does if you have a boil on
And definitions for these words or phrases?
Pocket Veto -- What Mr. Gotti tells his driver after
arriving at home.
Labor Contracts -- What occurs just before childbirth.
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails.
Dilate -- To live long.
Fibula -- White lie.
What do you call a cat who just ate an entire mallard in one
A duck-filled fattypuss.
A couple was hunting with a guide in Russia. The weather
turned foul, and the couple started to argue if it was rain or
sleet. Finally, the woman asked the guide to decide.
His answer: "Definitely rain. Rudolph the Red knows rain,
Did you know that William Tell's family bowled in a league
sponsored by a merchant? Unfortunately, the records have been
lost, so now nobody knows for sure "for whom the Tells bowled."
A few Retirements here:
Have ex-underwear salesman been de-briefed?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-musicians been disconcerted? or decomposed?
Have ex-writers been erased?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
Have ex-network operators been excommunicated?
Have retired witch burners been ex-pyred?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-ski-resort-managers become dislodged?
Have ex-masochists become disabused?
Have ex-electricians become degenerate?
Have ex-cashiers been distilled?
Have ex-divers been deep-ended?
Great! You can be on the new jury.
And from Dennis Miller Live, O.J. Simpson this week expressed
concern over the number of jurors who have been dismissed during
the trial. O.J. said, "you know, it is ridiculous: Lance Ito
changes jurors like most people change their bloody socks."
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Sign on restaurant window: "If you don't eat here, we both
A biologist and a mathematician watch a couple enter an empty
Later, they observe three people leaving the house.
The biologist's conclusion: they reproduced.
The mathematician's conclusion: if exactly one person goes
into the house it will again be empty.
What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine
A flat minor.
What do you holler down a mine shaft before tossing in a
C sharp, or B flat, minor.
A successful parent (def'n) is any parent who has raised
children, who, when they grow up, are able to pay for their own
psychoanalysis. - Vivian Carmichael.
A woman was told by her doctor that she could not have any
"Inconceivable," said a friend; "impregnable," said
another; "unbearable," said a third.
"People with no vices usually have some pretty annoying
virtues." - Liz Taylor.
What did the cashier say to the customer who complained about
the outrageous price of a bottle of pickles?
"It isn't the pickles, it is the juice. Dill waters run
The theater critic praised the first show of the season
because he did not want to stone the first cast.
For the same reason a friend of the players in the first
show of the season threw a party without recreational drugs or
Did you hear about the bird-hater who went to the beach with
a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them? ... He left no tern
Isaac Stern (violin virtuoso) once played all the violin
notes from lowest to highest.
He left no tone unsterned.
Tanning at the nudist beach leaves no stern untoned.
How about the name of the one-eyed dinosaur? ... ...
And his dog: D'yathinkhesaurus Rex?
What exactly is an "unfunded mandate?" A night on the town
with a guy who has no money.
Some Steven Wright one-liners:
I know a frustrated photographer who is trying to get a
closeup of the horizon.
I know a frustrated inventor who is trying to figure out
how to make dehydrated water.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came
back the entire area was missing.
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got
The other day I saw a man with a wooden leg, ... and a real
When I woke up this morning my wife asked "did you sleep
I said, "no, I made a few mistakes."
I was walking down the street when all of a sudden the
prescription for my eye-glasses expired.
I just bought a microwave fireplace.
You can spend all evening in front of it in only eight
I finally managed to get some powdered water, but I do not
know what to add.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking: if they left
earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to the General Store, but they wouldn't let me buy
I was born by Caesarean Section, but you really can't tell,
... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his
ID that he ever just whipped out a quarter?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press?
... I don't get it.
What is another word for Thesaurus?
Why to ballerinas always stand on their tip-toes?
Why don't the producers just hire taller dancers?
I was hitch-hiking and a hearse stopped. I said, "no
thanks, I'm not going that far."
I had a friend who was a small claims court jester.
[Of a glass of water]: I mixed this myself
... two glasses of H, one glass of O.
I hated a friend's dog, so I put little contact lenses on
him with pictures of cats. He chases crazily everywhere now.
Then I took one out, and he ran in constant circles. I threw
him a boomerang to catch.
I met an older woman the other day wearing pierced hearing
I know a guy who has one of those circular driveways. He
can't get out.
I bought a blank tape the other day. Then I went home and
put it on my stereo and turned up the volume to full blast.
Soon there was a knock at the door.
My obnoxious neighbor was there to complain.
... He's a mime.
... So I used a silencer.
I went to a toy store and asked to see the toy train
While driving the other day I saw a sign: "next rest area
Wow, that's pretty big, I thought. A lot of people must
get tired around here.
Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
Snakes have no arms. That is why they do not wear vests. My
grandfather told me that. He also made me stand in a little
room, face the door and be absolutely silent for three
minutes. We had to do it every day. He called it elevator
The only reason I exist is because my shadow needs
something to do.
I fired my last shadow: it wasn't doing what I was.
I was walking in the woods and saw a rabbit by a candle
making shadows of people on a nearby tree.
My friend has a big chest full of all the erasers from all
the world's golf pencils.
My other friend was arrested for counterfeiting pennies.
He got the heads and tails on the wrong side.
He's in a minimum security prison.
He wears a whiffle ball and chain.
Hermits have it easy; they have no peer pressure.
There is a fine line between fishing and standing in cold
water up to your hips looking like a jerk.
My friend has an answering machine on his car phone.
It says. "I'm at home just now. I'll call you back when
I live on a one-way, dead-end street. I don't know how I
I made some wine the other day from raisons ... so it would
be automatically aged.
I stopped at a tourist information booth and said, "so,
tell me about somebody who visited here last year."
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get
a tractor that small!
I bought a decaffeinated coffee table last week. You can't
tell by smelling it or looking at it.
This kills me: sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine
how much water would be there if that was not so.
It is hard for me to buy clothes: I am not my size. I am
I was driving down the street the other day at 100 miles an
The cop asked "why?"
So I told him.
I had my foot to the floor. It causes more gas to flow
through the carburettor. That makes the engine go fast,
which makes the wheels really go.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is. It is always
What if birds were tickled by feathers.
On an application form where they ask who to notify in case
of an emergency, I always put "the doctor." What is my Mother
going to do?
I wanted to get a whole-body tattoo. ... of me. ... only
I bought a second-hand diary the other day.
My girlfriend asked me if I could know how and when I would
die would I want to know? I said "no."
She said, "well, forget it, then."
I stepped out for a walk. My girlfriend asked how long I
would be out. I said, "the whole time."
Now for the younger
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a
huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't
look like an elephant.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the road?
A: ... Oh, maybe 2 miles per hour.
How to catch a squirrel?
... Climb the tree and act like a NUT.
News Item: 100 wigs were stolen.
Police are combing the area.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
Where do cows go for lunch?
... The "calf"-eteria.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
... Spoiled Milk.
What did the farmer do after he was done milking the first
... He milked the "udder" one!
What do you call a cow who loves honey?
... Winnie the Moo.
Child to mother: "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous.
She said all I have to do is mess up one more time and I'm
Voice on phone: Ernie has a cold and can't come to school
School secretary: Who is this?
Voice on phone: This is my dad.
are some BY the Younger Set:
These are the answers of six- to
ten-year-olds about various aspects of love: why it happens, what
to do about it, etc., most contributed by Elaine Jordaan
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because
they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8.
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk
down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John,
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when
'Dinosaurs' is on TV." Jill, age 6.
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9.
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were
behind a tree." Carey, age 7.
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.
I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." Dave, age 8.
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade
hard enough." Regina, age 10.
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED
TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8.
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even
if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of
bills." Ava, age 8.
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A
PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del,
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9.
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and
don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8.
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9.
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9.
puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):
From: Renee S. Captor (firstname.lastname@example.org )
Subject: THE CALIFORNIAN GLOSSARY OF MEDICAL TERMS
Alimentary . . . . . . . . . What Holmes said to Watson
Artery. . . . . . . . . . . . . Study of Painting
Bacteria. . . . . . . . . . . Back door to the cafeteria
Barium. . . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do when
Bowel . . . . . . . . . . . . A letter like A, E, I, O, or
Caesarean Section . . . A district in Rome
Carpal . . . . . . . . . . . . Person you ride to work with
Castrate . . . . . . . . . . . Market price for setting a
Catheter. . . . . . . . . . . String instruments
Cat Scan. . . . . . . . . . . Searching for kitty
Cauterize . . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her
Chiropractor . . . . . . . An Egyptian doctor
Colic . . . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog
Congenital. . . . . . . . . Friendly
Cystogram . . . . . . . . . A cable sent to your sister
D & C . . . . . . . . . . . . Where the White House is
Denial . . . . . . . . . . . . Where Cleopatra used to swim
Dilate. . . . . . . . . . . . . To live long
Elixir . . . . . . . . . . . . . What a dog does to his
owner when she gives him a juicy bone
Enema . . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend
Fester. . . . . . . . . . . . . Quicker
Fibula. . . . . . . . . . . . . Small lie
Genital . . . . . . . . . . . Non Jewish
G I Series. . . . . . . . . . Soldier baseball
Grippe. . . . . . . . . . . . Suitcase
Hangnail. . . . . . . . . . . Coat hook
High Colonic. . . . . . . . Jewish religious holiday
Impotent. . . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known
Inbred . . . . . . . . . . . . . Best way to eat salami
Labor Pain. . . . . . . . . . Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff . . . . . . . Doctor's cane
Morbid. . . . . . . . . . . . Higher offer
Nitrate . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than the day rate
Outpatient. . . . . . . . . . Person who has fainted
Pap Smear . . . . . . . . . Paternity test
Paradox . . . . . . . . . . . . A couple of quacks
Pelvis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cousin of Elvis
Postoperative . . . . . . . . Mail carrier
Prostate. . . . . . . . . . . . .Flat on your back
Terminal Illness. . . . . Getting sick at the airport
Tibia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Country in North Africa
Tolerance . . . . . . . . . . What you get if you give
growth hormone to ants
Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . . . More than one
Urine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you're out
Varicose. . . . . . . . . . . . Near by
Vein. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Conceited
There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of
difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his
community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed
because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked
an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was
formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had
to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways.
Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man
started into the building ahead of the older man. He was
firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in
ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret and
the older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember
nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the
woman who had just entered, he said, "It is I before Thee,
except after She!" [email@example.com].
Benny the Nomad.
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader,
Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His
people believed a man's strength and courage came from his
beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their
chief. After leading the band for many years, Benny began to
fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty
land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council
toghether to get their advice. When he said he wanted to
shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not
remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his
beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he
scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut
and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final
whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only
a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay
vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The
council then knew the legend must be true.
Moral: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.
Montgomery Stein had committed the perfect crime! Inventing a
time machine, he had robbed a bank, then calmly whisked himself
7 years and 1 day into the future, therefore outrunning the
Statute of Limitations. Many arguments ensued between his
defense lawyer and the DA over this. Finally, the judge ruled in
favor of the defendant, saying: "A niche in time saves Stein."
[Steve Poggio (firstname.lastname@example.org)].
Did you hear the pun about the very short fellow of
Czechoslovakian descent who was being chased on a downtown
street by a mobster? He was losing ground because his legs were
so short, so he ducked into a bank to hide. To the startled
teller he enquired: "Can you cache a small Czech?"
In the Stock Market today,
Helium was up,
Feathers were down, and paper was stationery.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Fluorescent tubes were down in light trading.
Light switches were off.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows were steered into a bull market.
Pencils were down a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators were up.
Escalators experienced a slight decline.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Pain relievers soared. (Sore?)
Diapers were unchanged.
The major shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
Coca Cola was pop-ular amongst traders.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at mid-day.
Balloon prices were inflated.
There was heavy trading in metals,
... and the bottom fell out of disposable diapers.
Once upon a time there was a king that lived at the bottom of
a very tall hill. On top of the hill there was a pot of gold
guarded by two golden fingers. One day the king ran out of gold.
He thought it would be a good idea to take the gold from the top
of the hill. It was a very dangerous job, so the king sent all
of the knights in the castle. The knights rode up the hill. As
soon as they reached the golden fingers, they died. The king was
very sad, but he still needed the gold. So the king decided to
send the nobles. Same result. The only people left in the castle
were the pages who were training to be knights. The king really,
really wanted the gold, so he decided to send the pages. They
rode to the top of the hill. As soon as they went through the
golden fingers, they got the pot of gold. They took the gold to
the happy king. They all lived happily ever after. ... "Let your
pages do the walking through the yellow fingers."
Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FACTO - Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; ... from such a pain
you should never know
VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it
MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here
L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat
Chinese Phrase ... English Translation
Ai Bang Mai Ne ... I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat ... You need a face lift
Dum Gai ... A stupid person
Gun Pao Der ... An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung ... Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ... We have reason to believe you are
harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Kaw Sun ... A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia ... Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ... Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi ... Not very good
Lin Ching ... An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding ... A great achievement of the American space
Ne Ahn ... A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ... A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be ... A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ... A small horse
Ten Ding Ba ... Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung ... A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan ... Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah ... Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim ... Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ... There is no reason to raise your voice
Some other enunciation classics, and examples for decoding:
Izi -- Izi hurt?
Inchy -- Inchy a looker?
Ashy -- Ashy got a boyfriend?
Avenue -- Avenue had enough yet?
Wassa -- Wassa matter?
Wezza -- Wezza car parked?
Oozza -- Oozza boss aroun chere?
Wizer -- Wizer no cold lemonade on a hot day like this?
Wewaza -- Wewaza last time he got a touchdown?
Seer -- Ah din seer yet.
Kin -- Ay kin barely seer.
Seat -- Ah can't seat without my glasses.
Seeus -- Seeus here thing-a-ma-jig?
Sought -- Ah sought on TV.
The woman traveling to Israel had checked her baggage thru,
except for the cage carrying her dog, for which she wanted
special handling and checking and which she received. The flight
was uneventful. After landing, the baggage appeared after a
normal wait. However, the dog cage was not there. The baggage
handlers noticed that the dog was not moving. After checking,
they thought that the dog must have died in the cold baggage
compartment. It looked like an ordinary cocker spaniel, so they
decided to find another cocker spaniel to put in the cage. In
the meantime, the woman kept asking about the rest of her
baggage. She was told that it was delayed because of the special
handling required and to be patient. Time dragged on for her
while the baggage handlers found a replacement dog in a pet
shop, which they put into the cage. They finally brought the
cage with dog to her and she looked into the cage. She jumped
back with a horrified look and screamed out, "THIS is not my
dog! MY DOG was DEAD; and I was bringing her here for a proper
Merry Christmas greeting (from the legal beagles -- without
I. Though we, the "Greetor," wish you well / In our Holiday
We limit all your claims, Dear Friend / (Herinafter called
II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums / And dancing
But if these Fancies come to Naught / You have no Vested
III. In no case shall we be at fault / In Implied Claims of
And all Writs of Depression must / Be Sworn before a
IV. Although our Approbations / Are Warranted full free
Of Defects in Sincerity / There is no Guarantee.
V. Whenever there's a Conflict / These, our Contract Terms,
The "Greetee" then is on his own / To have a Happy Yule.
VI. We hope that You, Your Kith and Kin / Find Christmas
But if You don't, note now that We / Decline all Liability.
VII. So if you don't hear Sleigh Bells ring, / Or smell the
fresh cut Pines,
You have, "Greetee," Released our Firm, / Successors, and
VIII. And if Our Heartfelt Christmas Wish / By Counter
Claim is marred,
We may, at our Sole Option, / Repossess this Christmas
. . . . . . . . . . . . (Greetee)
Some Cowboy Wisdom:
The only way to drive cattle fast is to do it slow.
A person who agrees with all your palaver is either a fool,
or he is gettin' ready to skin ya.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over on
itself and put it back in your pocket.
Never take another man's bet. He wouldn't be offering it if
he didn't know somethin' you don't.
A body can pretend to care, but they can't pretend to be
Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It
usually ain't their fault.
When you're tryin' somethin' new, the fewer people who know
about it, the better.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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pages since mid-June 1996.
Title: Puns; Word
plays; Other Nonsense and Foolishness; Humor; Jokes; Good Clean
Fun - Volume 1d.The primary URL for this
page is at: http://www.GoChet.ca/puns_v1d.htmPage maintained by Chet
Meek, email@example.com ... direct
mail.Page last updated:
25 April 2012 (Sm2.8, w/SC). Page created: 1 July 1996.