Chet Meek's Page of Puns, Part E

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 2 October 2007).

I take no credit for this material. I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing, alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.

Newest ones are added at the top in each category.

Go to Other Pun Pages.

Go to Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness. They are all short; but there are lots.
Go to "For the Younger Set." Only a few for now. If you send some more, I'll add them.
Go to "By the Younger Set." Only a few for now here too. Please send some more.
Go to the Shaggy Dog Stories. They are longer, but there are a lot fewer of them too.
Go to the Jokes of Most Any Sort. They are what was left over.

Other Pun Pages:

See the "Other Pun Pages" and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness.

If you stomp gripes, do you get whine?
Military Intelligence is an oxymoron.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Did you hear that NASA is going to send some cows aloft on the next shuttle to study the effects of zero gravity on milk production?

It will be the herd shot round the world.
... Udderly ridiculous.
... A shuttle ride will sure hustle their dairy aires.
... I think we milked this pun for all it is worth.

Tired of being turned down for pickup truck rentals for your yard work? Get the Gardener's Express card. Their slogan is "Don't heave loam without it!"

... Is this mulch ado about nothing?
... For peat's sake, enough is enough!

Why isn't phonetic spelled "fonetik?"
Is there an inter-state highway in Hawaii?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
Chemist: "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate."

The cat-lovers will hate me for these:

If you toss a young cat out the window is that "Kitty Litter?"
How do you make a cat bark?
Douse it with gasoline and throw in a lighted match. ... Woof!

What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in concrete?

Not enough concrete.

A medical doctor, an engineer and a lawyer all went into shark-infested waters when their boat capsized. The sharks tore the doctor and the engineer limb from limb and ate them all up. They left the lawyer. Why? Professional courtesy.

What do you call four spanish-speaking men standing in quicksand? ... Quatro cinco.

What do you call a guy with no feet? ... Neil.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves? ... Russel.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs under a car? ... Jack.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool? ... Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot tub? ... Stu.
What do you call a guy with no limbs in a shallow pond? ... Wade.
What do you call a guy with no limbs in a hole in the ground? ... Phil.
What do you call a guy with a spade in his head? ... Doug.
What do you call a guy on a barbecue grille? ... Frank.
And his girlfriend? ... Patty.
What do you call a woman with one leg? ... Eileen.
What do you call her oriental cousin? ... Irene.
What do you call a woman with both legs? ... Noleen.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
A1: It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
A2: Call him cigarette. Every morning you can take him out for a drag.
What do you call a man you find at the bottom of the bathtub? ... Dwayne.
What do you call the costume of a ballerina with one leg? ... A one-one.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who plays a dozen musical instruments?

... Stump the band.

What mean person said there should be an "s" in lisp?
Receptionist at the incontinence hot line: "can you hold?"
Check your mailbox for the Oscar Meyer sweepstakes, you may already be a wiener.
Are spooky sausages "Halloweiners?"

Did you hear about the termite who was a new customer at the bar?

To one of the regulars he said, "Where is the bartender?"
The guy at the bar replies "He's in the back reading pulp fiction. I'll teak you to him fir a sawbuck."

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everybody else?
Always remember, you are unique, just like everybody else.
The depressed patient and his therapist were discussing recreational drug use, and the popular image of a frying egg being characterized as a person's brain if he uses drugs. To the therapist the patient said "visualize a raw egg; then visualize it being cracked into a skillet of hot oil. That's my brain on reality!"
Did you hear Mary Poppins retired to California and became a really good astrologer? Apparently, she specializes in helping people with bad breath. Her shingle reads: "Super California Mystic - Expert: Halitosis."

Did you hear about the girl named ALLISON who got a new boyfriend who was a tractor dealer? She sent her old boyfriend a John Deere letter. He may have a CASE against her for desertion. When she later dumped the tractor salesman, he cried, "while my John Deere was plowing the field, your Dear John was breaking my heart."
Jay Leno, doing "Iron Jay" (an intellectually challenged fitness enthusiast, with a big chin), was asked what he had to say about 2% milk. "Well, the 2% milk is ok, I guess; but you have to wonder what the other 93% is."
What STD do birds get? ... Chirpies. ... It is a CARDINAL disease; and it is untweetable.
If Lisa Presley has Michael Jackson's baby, is it a glove child?
Is a pirate ship a thugboat?

One Pirate to another, "do you want to come to the corn roast?"

"How much?"
"A buck an ear."

If you want a computer-type to hurry up, do you tell him "fiche or cut byte?" If he wants you to hurry up, you can tell him "ROM wasn't built in a day."
Do you know what you get when you cross a pit-bull terrier with a computer? I don't know either, but when it Megabytes it Megahertz.
The most frustrating computer error message of all time: "Keyboard not responding. F1 to proceed."

URL jokes (The URL is the Uniform Resource Locator, or address for a page on the World-Wide Web):

James T. Davis offers this URL rhyme:
Some of these are real URLs,
Others are older than Milton BURL.
And some are nuttier than a sqURL;
But what the hey, I thought I'd give it a whURL.

All these URL puns are making me sick. I'm going to hURL.

Did the Duke of URL say, "Don't be so sURLy this URLy in the day."
This is cURLing my toes; I guess I wasn't away fURLlong enough.

Shhh! The secrets of the universe are at http://www.cia.secret .. *& ^^^ NO CARRIER.
What do you holler to a group of castrated men who disapprove of an university's operating system?

"Hey, eunuchs: you nix UNIX?"

What is the politically correct name for the UNIX system? The procreatively challenged system?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
Did you hear the news? A suicidal twin killed her sister by mistake.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac!
"Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!"
Consciousness (def'n): that annoying period between naps.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
Do they make dog biscuits from collie flour?
The time for action is past! NOW is the time for the senseless bickering.
Failure is at the end of the path of least persistence.
Does a very heavy rowboat qualify as a hunky dory? If it has a bell is it a ringy dinghy?
If Fairbanks, Alaska outlawed dogs, would it be called Dogless Fairbanks?

If Xerox and Wurlitzer merged, would you have a company that sold reproductive organs?
Is a barber who works in a Library called a Barbarian?
Do sheep get their hair cuts at a baa baa shop?
Toad (def'n): It is what happens to an illegally parked frog.
If a new-born lice lands on a leaf of lettuce is it a new lice on leaf?
A baby harp seal enters a bar and orders a Canadian Club on the rocks. He gets a plate of green peas instead.

Now for the younger set:

A snake and an undertaker wanted to get married. What will they put on their towels?

... Hiss and hearse!

Why do birds fly south for the winter? ... Because it's to far to walk.
What's black and white and eats like horse? ... A zebra.
What is the first thing you should do after a steam roller runs over your foot? ... Call a toe truck.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, and when you send it by ship, its called cargo?
How do sheep know if you are pulling the wool over their eyes?
Joe: "Its raining cats and dogs out there!"

Moe: "I know. When I was out, I stepped into a poodle."

Why did the dumb blonde have TGIF written on her shoes? So she would know: "toes go in first."
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper? ... He sold his soul to Santa.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Easy: unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way: unique up on it, too.

Where was Humpty Dumpty last seen? ... Great Falls.
Why is it easier to poach ivory in Alabama than in Africa? ... In Alabama the Tuskaloosa.
Is a barbecue a bunch of little girls' dolls standing in a line?
Does dragon milk come from cows with very short legs?
Did you hear about the guy who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him. He was udderly crushed.

In little league, my friend got onto first base. Then he stole third.

He told the umpire "second was out of my way."

If you have a bunch of candy coated desk-top computers do you have Reese's PC's?
If a Camel makes a manure pile is it called Humpty Dumpty?
What kind of beer do vampires drink? Blood lite (or: Bloodweiser, or la bat).

What kind of beer do pigs drink? ... Mud lite.
What kind of beer do cows drink? ... Cud lite.
What kind of beer do potatos drink? ... Spud lite. ... or Spudweiser.

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? ... Because it is too cold outtide.
Where should the animals go if there is another great flood? ... Newark.
What does "benign" mean? It is what you be after you be eight.
Would Dracula's Mother be Dracma?

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

These are the answers of six- to ten-year-olds about various aspects of love: why it happens, what to do about it, etc., most contributed by Elaine Jordaan {emjord@FISHNET.NET}.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." Bobby, age 9.
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." Bart, age 9.
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." Sarah, age 9.
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." Sandra, age 7.
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." Christine, age 9.

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU:"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9.
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." Dick, age 7.

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." Gina, age 8.

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7.
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7.
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 10.
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 6.
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." Allan, age 10.
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." Kally, age 9.
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9.
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." Will, age 7.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7.
"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." Erin, age 8.
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8.
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." Natalie, age 9.

The following are actual quotations from papers of grade school children about classical music:

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have heard of.
Aaron Copeland is one of our famous contemporary composers. It is unusal to be contemporary. Most composers don't live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio gets stabbed also and they live happily ever after.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
Caruso was first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. So he went to America.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written a long time ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
My favorite composer is opus.
A virtuoso is a musician ...with real high morals.
My very best liked piece is the bronze lullaby.

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

Many people remember Golda Mier, the former Prime Minister of Israel. Not many, however, remember her husband, Oscar. He was an active terrorist leader in Plasticine in the 1940's, trying to get Israel recognized as the Jewish homeland. Oscar Mier's band of terrorists were very famous, and effective. They adhered to a strict dietary code in which they ate only wheat and wheat-based products. This diet caused the men to develop strong muscles, all right, but it made many of them irritable and obnoxious too. Some of them developed attitudes that bordered on surly and ruthless. And thus they were known far and wide as "Oscar Mier's All-wheat Meanies."
Did I ever tell you the story of the construction project at a mental hospital in which the patients were encouraged to take an active part? This is not a pun, but I enjoyed it anyway. One of the patients was nailing boards on the side of a storage shed. Sometimes, he would take a nail out of his pocket and pound it in, but about half of the time he would just put the nail back in his other pocket. The construction foreman came along and asked him why he only used about half of the nails. The patient replied that those nails in his other pocket could not be used because they had the head on the wrong end. The Foreman chuckled a little; but the patient hauled him up short: "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid! Those nails are for the other side of this shed."

From Newsgroup: misc.writing From: Whitesea < Cwhite@epsilon.com>

What would it be like if Dr. Seuss was a tech writer???

And, speaking of Dr. Seuss, here is one from a U of Texas MBA student:

I really should save this one for the ides of March; but I won't keep you waiting. There was a farmer who sold his bull "Caesar" to another rancher across the river from his ranch. As the cowboys were about to ferry the bull across the river, the stock keeper who had become fond of the bull asked if he couldn't have one last bite to eat in his favorite pasture before going. All hands agreed, so away he went to eat. The farmer came after a short time to register his complaint that the bull had not been sent. To the assembled cowboys, he said: "We came to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"

And another: Once there was this peasant woman who lived with her family in a small cottage. She was very poor, and had only one prized possession: her berry. It was the most beautiful berry in the kingdom. Fellow peasants would travel miles just in hopes of getting a glimpse of her wonderful berry. The King, a very possessive man, heard about the berry and was enraged. "Such an object should be in the royal treasury," he shouted. Immediately, he dispatched his men to take the berry from the peasant and bring it back to the castle. Once at the small cottage, the knight in charge knocked loudly on the door. "Open up," he shouted. The husband of the family opened the door. When he saw the knights, he was frightened. "What can I do for you, sires?" he asked meekly. "We are here about an object in your possession." The man smiled, relaxing a bit. "Ah, you wish to view my wife's berry. It is a very pretty berry, indeed." The knight snorted:"We are here to seize her berry, not to praise it!

What did the wood worker say, beaming with pride and all spruced up? ... I came; I saw; I carpentered.

{More on venerable old Caesar. Best at the Ides of March.}

Veni; Vidi; Vici. -- I came; I saw; I conquered.
Veni; Vidi; Video. -- I came; I saw; I got it on tape.
Veni; Vidi; Vito. -- I came; I saw; I paid my loan shark.
Veni; Vidi; Velcro. -- I came; I saw; I stuck around.
Veni; Vidi; Visa. -- I came; I saw; I shopped.
Veni; Vidi; Peachy. -- I came; I saw; I felt really keen.
Veni; vidi; VD. -- I came; I saw; I cankered.
Veni; vidi; Reachy. -- I came; I saw; I reached for a few puns.
Veni; vidi; Vacuui. -- I came; I saw; I left.

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

Subject: Diamond

1. A bright gem, the sparkle of which renders a woman stone blind to the defects of the man proffering it.
2. A woman's idea of a stepping stone to success.
3. Nothing harder than making the payment on one.

Subject: Lincoln, on his critics

If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference. -Abraham Lincoln (1862)

A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird. He sees a parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak, Stupid?" And the bird replies, "Yes. Can you fly, Dopey?"

Subject: Quick Thinking!

Removing his shoes, an inebriated husband, home from a night out with the boys, carefully climbed the stairs, opened the door of the bedroom, entered, and closed the door after him without being detected. Just as he was about to get into bed, his wife, aroused from her slumber, turned and sleepily said, "Is that you Fido?" The husband, relating the rest of the story said: "For once in my life I had real presence of mind. I licked her hand, and crawled into bed."

What's a wimp's version of a Pit Bull fight? ... Two poodles yapping at each other until one of them wets the carpet.

You know your marriage may be in trouble if ...

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home, there's a sandwich on the front porch.

A small collection of dry comments by cabin staff to irritating airline passengers:

Passenger: "How often do planes of this airline crash?"
Attentant: "Only once."
There's a whistle on the lifejacket. You can use it to attract thesharks." (from QANTAS; I think it sounds best in an Australian accent).
Passenger: "Why was there no safety drill?"
Attendant: "Simple: we crash, you die."

If you wait too long to marry your dreamboat, you may find, by the time you have made your mind, his cargo has shifted.
It's soo easy to tell a married couple these days. The husband is the one who enters to car from the left or street side. the wife is the one who climbs over the snowbank on the right side.
One of the first things a Gal learns after marriage is that candy comes in bars as well as $20.00 boxes.
When a man has put his foot down, it means his wife has finished vacuuming under the chair.
One of the major problems facing this country today is that too many women get all excited about nothing. ... And then marry him!

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

An out-of-work ventriloquist hangs out the shingle as a necromancer (someone who communicates with the dead). On his first day, a woman comes in and says, "I would like to speak with my husband, who died several years ago. If you can get him to speak to me from the beyond, I will pay you $10,000." His reply was "Madam, for $10,000 he will speak to you as I drink a glass of water."
The meetings will continue until we discover why we are not getting any work accomplished. Credited to Richard P. Feynman.
It's hard for a fellow to keep a chip on his shoulder if you allow him to take a bow. Credited to the band leader Billy Rose.
Colin Powell removed himself from the bid for the presidency, saying that it would require "a calling that I do not yet hear." Bob Dornan and Bob Dole heard the calling. What they didn't know was, it was a prank call.
Meanwhile, OJ Simpson is still searching for Nicole's real killer. He says he'll find him, even if he has to search every sand trap and water hazard in North America.

A lady midget goes into a doctor's office on a rainy day and tells the doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch."

He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, he works on her awhile, and then he tells her, "Okay, hop down."
She gets down off the table, stands there a second, and then says,
"Doc! I feel great! What'd you do?"
"I cut two inches off the top of your galoshes."

The Psychiatric Hotline's Voice Messaging System:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

From: Lee Vermont < lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM> Subject: 101 easy ways to say "no"

1. I'd love to, but... I have to floss my cat.
2. I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3. I want to spend more time with my blender.
4. the President said he might drop in.
5. the man on television told me to stay tuned.
6. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant
7. I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8. it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9. it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10. I'm building a pig from a kit.
11. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13. there's a disturbance in the Force.
14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

Continuation of gracious ways to say "no."

I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
I have to wait here: my patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I left my body in my other clothes.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
None of my socks match.
I never go out on days that end in "Y".

From: "Marcus D. Parsons" < mparsons@MAIL.WIN.ORG> Subject: Beer (possibly offensive to the Irish).

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat. It was a tragedy -- and Murphy drowned. The foreman thought it was his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me --- and did he --- suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." < Kbrousseau@AOL.COM> Subject: Encore! Encore! < Possibly offensive to some surgeons>

A new patient waking up in the recovery room after an operation, exclaimed audibly:"Thank God! That's over!"
"Don't be too sure," said the man in the next bed. "They left a sponge in me and had to cut me open again."
And the patient on the other side said, "they had to open me, too, to find one of their instruments."
Just then , the surgeon who operated on the patient, stuck his head in the door and yelled: "Has anybody seen my hat?"
The new patient fainted dead away.

From: "Lynn, Jon" < lynnj@DASW.COM> Subject: 25 Ways to Cope With Stress.

l. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Master card to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's husband/wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule", and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
And: Have a Great Day!!! (unless you have other plans).

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Title: Puns; Word plays; Other Nonsense and Foolishness; Humor; Jokes; Good Clean Fun - Volume 1e.

The primary URL for this page is at: http://www.GoChet.ca/puns_v1e.htm

Page maintained by: Chet Meek, cmeek@ocii.com ... direct e- mail.
Page last updated: 2 October 2007 (N4.8). Page created: 1 July 1996.