... word plays, catchy phrases, and
I take no credit for this material.
I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup
alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing,
alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have
made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely
know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show
attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.
ones are added at the top in each category.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Two wrongs do not make a right. ... but three lefts do.
Endless love (def'n): Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing
Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.
Debate (def'n): What worms are to a fisherman.
Mischief (def'n): Sitting Bull's daughter.
Liability (def'n): A talent for fibbing.
Alien (def'n): What Mom would suspect had invaded her house
if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Bathroom (def'n): A room used by the entire family, believed
by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
Handi-wipes (def'n): Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes,
Hindsight (def'n): What mom experiences from changing too
Homemade bread (def'n): An object of fiction, somewhat akin
to the fountain of youth and the golden fleece.
Makeup (def'n): Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. Which,
curiously, makes mom look better while making her 11-year-old
daughter "look like a tramp."
Overstuffed recliner (def'n): Dad.
Your "diligence factor" may be too high if you keep trying
those techniques that were recommended by management consultants
during the latest pendulum swing.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't never interfere with nuthin that ain't botherin' you
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Eagles may soar, but weasels are never sucked into
Doctors say that those who are cheerful resist disease better
than those that are grumpy.
I guess that means the surly bird gets the germ.
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
... None. The sockets go with the house.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Question: What do you call 144 broken eggs? ... Gross.
A recent report stated that over 50 million Americans are
overweight. Those figures, of course, are rounded.
A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine
comes from. ... Finally, it dawned on him.
Laughing stock (def'n): Cattle with a sense of humor.
Rehab is for quitters.
Did you know how many people have trouble with fractions? ...
Five out of three.
Don't take life too seriously. ... Nobody ever gets out
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Have you heard about the new Political Trivial Pursuit
game?... All questions; no answers.
One changed letter?
MONAGE A TROIS: - I am three years old.
MERCI RIEN: - Thanks for nothin'.
Say, is "person-person" the politically correct term for
Fight truth decay. ... study the Bible daily.
Do not wait for a hearse to take you to church.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
A recent poll found that 87 percent of Americans think they
will go to heaven. In a related study, 44 percent said they
believed heaven exists.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Sodium: Hey, you have one of my electrons!
Chlorine: Are you sure?
Sodium: I'm positive.
By the time our children are old enough not to say or do
anything in public to annoy or embarrass us, they have reached
an age when the things we routinely do and say annoy and
The Least-Watched Discovery Channel Specials:
"Tasteful American Architecture -- A Termite's Point of
"Drizzle: More Than Fog; Less Than Rain."
"Phases of the Moon: Fraternity Behavior Through the Ages."
"PBS -- Threat, Menace or Treachery?"
"Weapons of Literary War: The Witty Zinger and the Pithy
The fattest knight at the round table was Sir Cumference. Too
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it
dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but
I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope
there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
Velcrowhat a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead racoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too
Now a few for the
"Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!" - Kermit the Frog.
Police station toilet stolen. ... The cops have nothing to go
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? ... A
What kind of flowers grow in betweenyour nose and your chin?
POLITICALLY CORRECT TEENAGE SITUATIONS:
You don't have a detention, you're just "exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, in fact, you don't have any
problemm with it at all. It's just "parent passage
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from
"rebellious follicle syndrome."
are some BY the Younger Set:
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote. -- Jim, age 10.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. ... That's what happens to cheese sometimes when you
leave it out. -- Sandra, age 6.
I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't. -
Jeff, age 8.
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
my Mom makes me clean it up. - Cassandra, age 13.
I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the
same time. - Brad, age 9.
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a
glass of milk. - Steven, age 7.
I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same
time, it will come out your nose. - Freddy, age 7.
I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he
smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. - Sandra, age 4.
I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist.
It's in my blood. - Wilson, age 8.
I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look.
- Maria, age 12.
I've learned that you should never jump out of your bedroom
window using a sheet for a parachute. - Jimmy, age 10.
I've learned that parents can be very hard to live with. -
Jeremy, age 12.
I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always
come. Sometimes he's broke. - Sheila, age 5.
I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a
girl, your parents suspect something is going on. - George, age
I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. - Mike
I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap
down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom. - Fred, age
I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my
parents holding hands. - Jacqueline, age 9.
I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a brown crayon with a
Tootsie Roll. - Marion, first grade.
I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a
ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. - Wanda, age 8.
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sing "Silent Night". - Katy, age 7
I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with
daddy because he gets mad when I drop the ball. - Jack, age 8.
I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending
over. - Heather, age 7.
I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the times I
don't know the answer. - Watson, age 9.
I've learned I have to figure out how to hold animals without
killing them. - Louie, age 7.
I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in
the car the driver freaks. - Brock, age 9.
I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. - Jeff, age 5.
I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get. -
Belinda, age 6.
I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she
snorts ... But that's ok. - Billy, age 7.
The following are supposedly actual quotations from papers of
grade school children about classical music:
An opera is a song of bigly size.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields and McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing you have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it
apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of
every line of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same
time gets to be the conductor.
"Instrumentalist" is a many-purposed word for many
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip
the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to
make a pleasant drum sound once the animal is removed.
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places. That's why they look
Here are some famous sayings - kids' versions:
If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.
Don't count your chickens, eat them.
You can't teach and old dog new math.
When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.
Too many cooks, so little meals.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
A penny saved is one cent.
Look before you run into a pole.
A watched pot never disappears.
A rolling stone makes you flat.
A rolling stone is a singing rock group.
Every cloud has a wet spot.
Here are some letters to God from the Younger Set.
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it
when You are on vacation? -Jane.
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he
uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita.
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or
was it an accident? -Norma.
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make
new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan.
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in
church. ... Is that okay? -Neil.
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I
thought You had everything. -Jane.
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do
unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed
for was a puppy. -Joyce.
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was
supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything
before. ... You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail.
Ha ha. -Danny.
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so
much if they had their own rooms. It works with me and my
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big,
but not with so much hair all over. -Samantha.
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of
everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our
family and I can never do it. -Nan.
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You
my new shoes. -Mickey.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in
the Bible. - Love, Chris.
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school
they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Right? -
puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):
WARNING: This one is dreadful.
Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in
creating large animals for meat production. His death occurred
during the development of a hog weighing over a ton.
To take care of this huge animal, Dr. Beraid used almost eighty
gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks. But
the biggest problem was that the hog had terrible bad breath. It
was necessary after feeding the beast to force over 100 Chlorets
down his throat before any human could bear to enter the lab. On
the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas had spilled the
breath fresheners onto the floor. The Doctor became enraged and
began beating the poor ape, causing his brothers to run riot.
The police report detailed the event: "Seventy-six strong clones
fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and ten Chlorets close at hand."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast
while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the
menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order
comes a while later; but he is surprized that it is served on a
huge fancy silver plate. So he asks the waiter, "What's with the
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to keep it down. "But why?", they asked.
"Because," he said, "some of the guests are irritated by chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:
Computer malfunction: The faulty interface is between the
chair and the keyboard.
Cakes and Ale ... Here is a true story someone found
regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an
examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked
the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require
that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four
hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still
nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read
(roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may
request and require Cakes and Ale."
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and
were summarily delivered to the student's entire satisfaction.
The student sat there, writing his examination and happily
Three weeks later, the student received a note from the
Bursar. He had been fined five pounds for not wearing his
sword to the examination.
A single-engine F-16 Eagle jet fighter was flying escort to
an 8-engine B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by
flying barrel rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The Eagle
pilot's taunt to the B-52 crew was 'anything you can do, I can
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise
to the challenge. However, the lumbering 8-engine B-52 continued
its boring flight path, straight and level. Eager to respond in
kind, but perplexed, the F-16 fighter pilot asked, "So? What did
"We just shut down two engines."
The Theology professor asked the student, "what is the
opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?"
"And how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up."
Sign in a Belgrade hotel: "The flattening of clothing with
pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
A couple of definitions from the Devil's Dictionary:
PATIENCE n. A minor form of despair, often disguised as a
MEEKNESS n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that
will, ultimately, be worth the wait.
It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Noah, explaining delays in building the Ark:
" ... Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe."
Pilots' notes for maintenance crews:
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Signed off: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Signed off: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak in right main landing
Signed off: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Signed off: "Live bugs on order."
Child Dictionary (clean)
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be ... as long as
they do everything we say.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing
Not-So-Famous Interview Lines:
Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office
politics and back stabbing. I am hoping for a new paradigm
Lady Godiva: What do mean this isn't "business casual?"
Elvis: My last boss and I ... say, are you going to eat
FAQ Entries from HMO list:
Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged
when they want to talk about existing conditions.
Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time
seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until
you return, and then get sick.
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same
time. Driving up beside her he, he shouts out the window: "Pull
"No," she shouts back, "its a scarf!"
From Jay Leno's headlines, a popular southwestern California
city: Sandy Eggo.
Insurance claim: "I started to slow down but the traffic was
more stationary than I thought."
Announcement on the office PA system: "This is a tornado
drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows." Then
somebody yelles out: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"
"How to simulate navy shipboard life at home" [Adapted from
Mirth subscriber Frank Lavigne < email@example.com>].
Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly
rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you vomit.
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it
Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day
for proper background noise level.
Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow to sit for 5 or 6
hours before serving.
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your
coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and
visit for a couple of months.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front
and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or
hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of
Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any bear cubs?
Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head with
a shovel and throws dirt on her.
Quasi-Canonical List of Oxymorons
Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline food
Almost exactly Alone together British fashion
Clearly misunderstood Definite maybe Diet ice cream
Exact estimate Found missing Genuine imitation
Good grief Government organization Legally drunk
Living dead Military intelligence New classic
Paid volunteer Passive aggression Peace force
Political science Pretty ugly Resident alien
Same difference Silent scream Small crowd
Soft rock Sweet sorrow Synthetic natural gas
Taped live Temporary tax increase Terribly pleased
Tight slacks Twelve-ounce pound cake Working vacation
2 more: out of synch: jumbo shrimp plastic glasses
You think English is easy? ... Can you read these right the
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse
4) We must polish the Polish
5) He could lead if he would get the lead
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert
in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate
Some definitions you might not find in a dictionary.
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official