Chet Meek's Page of Puns - Ver 4

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 2 October 2007).

I take no credit for this material. I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing, alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.

Newest ones are added at the top in each category.

Go to Other Pun Pages.

Go to Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness. They are all short; but there are lots.
Go to "For the Younger Set." Only a few for now. If you send some more, I'll add them.
Go to "By the Younger Set." Only a few for now here too. Please send some more.
Go to the Shaggy Dog Stories. They are longer, but there are a lot fewer of them too.
Go to the Jokes of Most Any Sort. They are what was left over.

Other Pun Pages:

See the "Other Pun Pages" and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness:

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Two wrongs do not make a right. ... but three lefts do.
Endless love (def'n): Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.
Debate (def'n): What worms are to a fisherman.

Mischief (def'n): Sitting Bull's daughter.
Liability (def'n): A talent for fibbing.
Alien (def'n): What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Bathroom (def'n): A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
Handi-wipes (def'n): Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, tablecloths, etc.

Hindsight (def'n): What mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
Homemade bread (def'n): An object of fiction, somewhat akin to the fountain of youth and the golden fleece.
Makeup (def'n): Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. Which, curiously, makes mom look better while making her 11-year-old daughter "look like a tramp."
Overstuffed recliner (def'n): Dad.

Your "diligence factor" may be too high if you keep trying those techniques that were recommended by management consultants during the latest pendulum swing.

Cowboy wisdom:

Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't never interfere with nuthin that ain't botherin' you none.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Eagles may soar, but weasels are never sucked into jet engines.

Doctors say that those who are cheerful resist disease better than those that are grumpy.

I guess that means the surly bird gets the germ.

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... None. The sockets go with the house.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Question: What do you call 144 broken eggs? ... Gross.
A recent report stated that over 50 million Americans are overweight. Those figures, of course, are rounded.

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from. ... Finally, it dawned on him.
Laughing stock (def'n): Cattle with a sense of humor.
Rehab is for quitters.
Did you know how many people have trouble with fractions? ... Five out of three.
Don't take life too seriously. ... Nobody ever gets out alive.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Have you heard about the new Political Trivial Pursuit game?... All questions; no answers.

One changed letter?

MONAGE A TROIS: - I am three years old.
MERCI RIEN: - Thanks for nothin'.

Say, is "person-person" the politically correct term for "mailman?"
Fight truth decay. ... study the Bible daily.
Do not wait for a hearse to take you to church.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

A recent poll found that 87 percent of Americans think they will go to heaven. In a related study, 44 percent said they believed heaven exists.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Sodium: Hey, you have one of my electrons!

Chlorine: Are you sure?
Sodium: I'm positive.

By the time our children are old enough not to say or do anything in public to annoy or embarrass us, they have reached an age when the things we routinely do and say annoy and embarrass them.

The Least-Watched Discovery Channel Specials:

"Tasteful American Architecture -- A Termite's Point of View."
"Drizzle: More Than Fog; Less Than Rain."
"Phases of the Moon: Fraternity Behavior Through the Ages."
"PBS -- Threat, Menace or Treachery?"
"Weapons of Literary War: The Witty Zinger and the Pithy Barb."

Now a few for the younger set:

"Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!" - Kermit the Frog.
Police station toilet stolen. ... The cops have nothing to go on.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? ... A nervous wreck!
What kind of flowers grow in betweenyour nose and your chin? ... Tulips.

POLITICALLY CORRECT TEENAGE SITUATIONS:

You don't have a detention, you're just "exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, in fact, you don't have any problemm with it at all. It's just "parent passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically challenged."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibited."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Jim, age 10.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. ... That's what happens to cheese sometimes when you leave it out. -- Sandra, age 6.

I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't. - Jeff, age 8.
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, my Mom makes me clean it up. - Cassandra, age 13.
I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time. - Brad, age 9.
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Steven, age 7.
I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. - Freddy, age 7.
I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. - Sandra, age 4.

I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist. It's in my blood. - Wilson, age 8.
I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look. - Maria, age 12.
I've learned that you should never jump out of your bedroom window using a sheet for a parachute. - Jimmy, age 10.
I've learned that parents can be very hard to live with. - Jeremy, age 12.
I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke. - Sheila, age 5.
I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is going on. - George, age 11.

I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. - Mike age 9.
I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom. - Fred, age 10.

I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents holding hands. - Jacqueline, age 9.
I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a brown crayon with a Tootsie Roll. - Marion, first grade.
I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. - Wanda, age 8.
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". - Katy, age 7
I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the ball. - Jack, age 8.
I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. - Heather, age 7.

I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the times I don't know the answer. - Watson, age 9.
I've learned I have to figure out how to hold animals without killing them. - Louie, age 7.
I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. - Brock, age 9.
I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. - Jeff, age 5.
I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get. - Belinda, age 6.
I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts ... But that's ok. - Billy, age 7.

The following are supposedly actual quotations from papers of grade school children about classical music:

An opera is a song of bigly size.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing you have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
"Instrumentalist" is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant drum sound once the animal is removed.
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places. That's why they look like umbrellas."

Here are some famous sayings - kids' versions:

If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.
Don't count your chickens, eat them.
You can't teach and old dog new math.
When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.
Too many cooks, so little meals.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
A penny saved is one cent.
Look before you run into a pole.
A watched pot never disappears.
A rolling stone makes you flat.
A rolling stone is a singing rock group.
Every cloud has a wet spot.

Here are some letters to God from the Younger Set.

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane.
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita.
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma.
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane.
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan.

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. ... Is that okay? -Neil.
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane.
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla.
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce.
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. ... You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny.
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with me and my brother. -Larry.
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Samantha.
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth.
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan.

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris.
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Right? - Sincerely, Donna.

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

WARNING: This one is dreadful.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later; but he is surprized that it is served on a huge fancy silver plate. So he asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to keep it down. "But why?", they asked. "Because," he said, "some of the guests are irritated by chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

Computer malfunction: The faulty interface is between the chair and the keyboard.

Cakes and Ale ... Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and were summarily delivered to the student's entire satisfaction. The student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student received a note from the Bursar. He had been fined five pounds for not wearing his sword to the examination.

A single-engine F-16 Eagle jet fighter was flying escort to an 8-engine B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying barrel rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The Eagle pilot's taunt to the B-52 crew was 'anything you can do, I can do better.'

The Theology professor asked the student, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?"
"Elation."
"And how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up."

A couple of definitions from the Devil's Dictionary:

PATIENCE n. A minor form of despair, often disguised as a virtue.
MEEKNESS n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that will, ultimately, be worth the wait.

It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Noah, explaining delays in building the Ark:

" ... Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe."

Pilots' notes for maintenance crews:

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Signed off: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
.
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
.
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Signed off: "Something tightened in cockpit."
.
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak in right main landing gear."
Signed off: "Evidence removed."
.
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Signed off: "Live bugs on order."

Child Dictionary (clean)

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be ... as long as they do everything we say.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Not-So-Famous Interview Lines:

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I am hoping for a new paradigm here.
Lady Godiva: What do mean this isn't "business casual?"
Elvis: My last boss and I ... say, are you going to eat those fries?

FAQ Entries from HMO list:

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her he, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "its a scarf!"

From Jay Leno's headlines, a popular southwestern California city: Sandy Eggo.
Insurance claim: "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
Announcement on the office PA system: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows." Then somebody yelles out: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"

"How to simulate navy shipboard life at home" [Adapted from Mirth subscriber Frank Lavigne < frankl@metro.net>].

Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you vomit.
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "high".
Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper background noise level.
Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow to sit for 5 or 6 hours before serving.
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any bear cubs? Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head with a shovel and throws dirt on her.

Quasi-Canonical List of Oxymorons

Act naturally          Advanced BASIC           Airline food
Almost exactly         Alone together           British fashion
Clearly misunderstood  Definite maybe           Diet ice cream
Exact estimate         Found missing            Genuine imitation
Good grief             Government organization  Legally drunk
Living dead            Military intelligence    New classic
Paid volunteer         Passive aggression       Peace force
Political science      Pretty ugly              Resident alien
Same difference        Silent scream            Small crowd
Soft rock              Sweet sorrow             Synthetic natural gas
Taped live             Temporary tax increase   Terribly pleased
Tight slacks           Twelve-ounce pound cake  Working vacation
2 more: out of synch:  jumbo shrimp             plastic glasses

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Title: Puns; Word plays; Other Nonsense and Foolishness; Humor; Jokes; Good Clean Fun - Volume 4.

The primary URL for this page is at: http://www.GoChet.ca/puns_v4.htm

Page maintained by: Chet Meek, cmeek@ocii.com ... direct e- mail.
Page last updated: 2 October 2007 (N4.8). Page created: 15 October 1996.