Chet Meek's Page of Puns - Ver 5

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 27 October 2009).

Newest ones are added at the top in each category.

Go to Other Pun Pages.

Go to Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness. They are all short; but there are lots.
Go to "For the Younger Set." Only a few for now. If you send some more, I'll add them.
Go to "By the Younger Set." Only a few for now here too. Please send some more.
Go to the Shaggy Dog Stories. They are longer, but there are a lot fewer of them too.
Go to the Jokes of Most Any Sort. They are what was left over.
Go to the Linguaphile section (words and meanings, hardly related to humor).

Other Pun Pages:

• See the "Other Pun Pages"  and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness:

• "Is that your grandmother?" I asked the pre-schooler.
• "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
• "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
• "At the airport," Chris replied cheerfully. "Whenever we want, we just go out there and pick her up."

• The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 65 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 25 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. Well, ... the tallest ones, anyway.

• "Old" is when ... ...
• Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes ... and you're barefoot.
• Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

• Signs you may be taking the 21st Century too seriously:
• Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
• You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

• Official sign near door: "Door Alarmed."
• Handprinted sign nearby: "Window only frightened."

• Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Carcinoma -- n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
• Esplanade -- v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Negligent -- adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
• Lymph -- v., to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Bustard -- n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
• Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon.

• Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline.
• Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
• Marionettes -- n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
• Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
• Arbitrator -- n., A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
• Bernadette -- n., The act of torching a mortgage.
• Convent -- v., How inmates get air conditioning.

• Control -- n., A short, ugly inmate.
• Counterfeiters -- n. pl, Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
• Dreadlocks -- n., the fear of opening the dead-bolt.
• Sarchasm (def'n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
• Dopeler effect (def'n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Microscope (def'n): 1/1,000,000th of a mouthwash.
• Phone (def'n): 1,000,000 microphones.
• Megaphone (def'n): 1,000,000,000,000 microphones.

• Clones are people two.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• Editing is a rewording activity.
• Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
• If you are a complete pessimist, does it mean you are positively negative?
• What do you get if you buy crayons for your children, or grandchildren? ... A gift to make your kin scrawl.
• Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
• Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
• Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?

• What do you get if you cross a Pekinese with a Lhasa Apso?
• A Peekasso ... an abstract dog.

• Did you ever wonder why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
• What do you get if you cross a Malamute and a Pointer?
• A Moot Point - owned by, uh ... actually, it doesn't matter.

• When Betsy Ross was asking for suggestions on her flag design, was that the first flag poll? Is that a Polish joke?
• Squalid (def'n): Pocahontas' hat.
• A guy at a convention has a button on his lapel: "Ask me about my vow of silence."
• A reporter asks Mahatma Gandhi, "What do you think of western civilization?"

Gandhi: "I think it would be a great idea."
• Ad for a faster modem: "Lose wait fast!"
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
• A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator!

• I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
• Author (def'n): A person who is usually write.
• Autobiography (def'n): A history of cars.
• Backward (def'n): Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital.
• Coffee (def'n): Break Fluid.
• Deduce (def'n): De lowest card in de deck.
• Eclipse (def'n): What a gardener does to your hedge.
• Earthquake (def'n): A topographical error.

• Hanging (def'n): A suspended sentence.
• Hypochondriac (def'n): A guy who won't let well enough alone.
• Praise (def'n): Letting off esteem.
• I thought I had made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
• Never express yourself more clearly than you think.

• Sigmund Freud's mother: "Stop pestering me!
• I've told you a hundred times: the stork brought you!"

• If you believe in psychokinesis, please raise my hand.

• Would you like to join:
• The Arafat club? ... Yessir.
• The Alzheimer's club? ... Forget it.
• The quarterback club? ... I'll pass.
• The Spanish Optometrists club? ... Si.
• The anti-perspirant club? ... Sure.
• The pregnancy club? ... Conceivably.

• If you're not out selling, you're being outsold.
• Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
• Can weather be clement?
• Can a person be chalant?
• And are children ever ruly?

• Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best e-mail of 1997". A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was supposedly recorded and published in the "Far East Economic Review."
• Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
• Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
• RS: "Rye ... Ruin sorbees ... morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
• G: "Uh, ... yes ... I'd like some bacon and eggs."
• RS: "Ow July den?"
• G: "What??"
• RS: "Ow July den? ... pry, boy, pooch?"
• G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry; scrambled please."
• RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem ... crease?"
• G: "Crisp will be fine."
• RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
• G: "What?"
• RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
• G: "I don't think so."
• RS: "No? Judo wan toes??"
• G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan toes' means."
• RS: "Toes! toes! ... why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
• G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
• RS: "We bother?"
• G: "No. ... just put the bother on the side."
• RS: "Wad?"
• G: "Uh, ... I mean butter ... just put it on the side."
• RS: "Copy?"
• G: "Sorry?"
• RS: "Copy ... tea ... mill?"
• G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
• RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye??"
• G: "Whatever you say."
• RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
• G: "You're welcome."

• From: "Millard, Mary" < Mary.Millard@infoadvan.com> . A touching story about love and marriage.
• An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
• He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
• Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
• Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
• Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
• The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
• "Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

• Frustrated tourist to tourist guide: "Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?"
.
.
.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur 's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi.

 
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 
• The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

 
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

 
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

 
• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 
• A backward poet writes inverse.

 
• In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 
• Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
.
.

Now a few for the younger set:

• We voted on sending you a get-well card. It was defeated 43 to 27.

• From Jim Inkster < jinkster@cmsd.bc.ca> . They are music malapropisms from kids:
• The principle singer of 19th century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
• Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

• How do crazy people go through the forest? ... They take the psycho path.
• What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? ... Polaroids.

• Knock, Knock?
• Who`s there?
• Aswald.
• Aswald, who?
• Aswald my bubble gum!

• Knock, knock.
• Who's there?
• "Tequila."
• "Tequila who?"
• "Tequila Mockingbird."

• An old elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. Looking irritated, he ambled on over and kicked the turtle clear across to the other side of the river.
• "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
• "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
• "Wow, what a memory!"
• "Yes," said the elephant, ... "I have turtle recall."

• What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? ... Halfway!

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

• Happy is The Bride Who........ Gets All The Presents!
• Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.
• Better Be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.
• Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.
• It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.
• Don't Bite The Hand That... .....Looks Dirty.

• No News Is........ Impossible.
• A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.
• Love All, Trust........ Me.
• The Pen Is Mightier Than The........ Pigs.
• An Idle Mind Is........ The Best Way To Relax.
• Where There's Smoke, There's........ Pollution.

• Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
• Ellen: I is ...
• Teacher (interrupting): No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
• Ellen: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

• Hygiene Teacher: Jose, how can we prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
• Jose: Don't bite any.
• Teacher: Alfred, how can anyone make so many mistakes in one day?
• Alfred: I get up early.

• Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. - Chelsey, Age 7.
• When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Heather, Age 16.
• Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, Age 10.
• I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? - Age 15.

• Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, ... ... and a great big bag of money. - Age 13.
• My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth—that most of us go to hell and burn eternally ... but I didn't want to upset him. - Age 10.
• If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be ... ... until the looting started. - Age 15.

• "On Grandparents:"
• If you don't have kids, you don't get to be a grandparent. That's the deal. -Jeffrey, age 8.
• Some of them are not so old. But I think you are supposed to be at least 50. -Wendy, age 7 1/2.
• You can be a grandma and still have a baby yourself. It's weird but it's true. -Barbara, age 9.
• My daddy says his father would spank him when he was little. Once I asked my grandfather if he used to spank my daddy and he said, "Not enough." -Martha, age 10.
• My grandpa likes to drink soda. He's the best belcher in the world. -Sean, age 7.
• It's not so nice if you go over there on the night they have liver. -Liz, age 9.
• My Grandpa calls me monkey. My Grandma calls me honey, even when my friends are over. I wish they would just call me Ben. -Ben, age 9.
• Whenever my grandpa comes my mom makes chocolate cake with white frosting because he loves it. But when he doesn't come, all we ever get to eat for dessert is stupid fruit. -Rebecca, age 10.
• My grandpa uses a lot of bad words and my gramma gets very upset and she says not around the children. ... But it's OK because I know all those words anyway. -Willard, age 11.
• I learned from my grandpa not to wait too long after we eat before I go to the bathroom. Now they can take me anywhere. -Jennie, age 7.
• I wish they could live with us. They can have my room, and I can sleep on the couch in the living room, and the dog can sleep in the cellar. -Tori, age 7.
• Being a grandpa is like being the President of your family. It's the top job. -Penni, age 11.

• A young boy from New York was being led through the swamps of Florida by his friend. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
• "That depends," replied his young guide, "on how fast you can carry a flashlight."

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

• Long ago there were two brothers Hing and Ming. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. And, having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!
Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole cartloads of leaves, and brewed barrels of the tea, and nearly drowned the poor chicken over another two month period. At the end of that time, the dismal chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.
Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make gum tea re-feather a hen!

• Lowell, Massachusetts, an old New England mill town wanting to attract more tourists held a brainstorming session. One bright marketing guy suggested that since German tourists like to travel with their dogs, that they experiment with using the old mills as pet hotels. That way, while in America, these tourists could house the animals there conveniently ... and who knows but what they would spend time (and some of their money) touring the countryside as well. After a few months, supporters asked how the experiment was going. "Just listen!" said the manager, "The Mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

• Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
• "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
• Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
• "What does that tell you?"
• Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
• "Watson, you imbecile! Some thief has stolen our tent."

• Log on -- Make the wood stove hotter.
• Log off -- Don't add no more wood.
• Window -- What to shut when it's cold outside.
• Screen -- What to shut in black fly season.
• Byte -- What the black flies do.
• Bit -- What the black flies did.
• MegaByte -- What the BIG black flies do.

• Software -- The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.
• Hardware -- The real stainless steel cutlery.
• Network -- When you have to repair your fishing gear.
• Internet -- Complicated fishing gear repair method.
• Netscape -- When a fish maneuvers out of reach.
• Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days?"
• "Force yourself," she replied.

• How do you explain counter-clockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?
• Always remember: pillage BEFORE you burn!
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• I fear that one day I shall meet God. If He sneezes I won't know what to say.
• Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear pretty bright ... until you hear them speak.
• Parking Space (def'n): an unfilled opening in an unending line of cars right next to an unapproachable fire plug.

• WHY GOD DOESN'T HAVE A Ph.D.
• He had only one major publication.
• It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
• It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
• The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.

• Here's a longer one about eggbeaters with names. It's from Erikka Innes, a California comedian.
. Randomly, as a Christmas gift, my mom bought three eggbeaters; one for herself, my sister, and me.

She insisted we name them and announced that her eggbeater would henceforth be known as ‘Eggatha Christie.”

My sister then named her eggbeater ‘Ophelia.’

‘What’s eggy about that?!’ I asked her.

‘She’s a famous character from the play Homlette,’ she said with a faux British accent.

Then it was my turn. I tried to get away with ‘Mr. Egg,’ because sometimes I am super creative like that.

My mom disapproved and said I was not permitted to leave the kitchen until my eggbeater had a humorous (dare I say punny?) name. She said it wasn’t fitting for the family comedian to be unable to come up with a decent egg pun.

All I could think of was an old Michelangelo book for some reason, so I suggested my eggbeater be called ‘The Egony and the Ecstasy.’

Mom was delighted, so I went a step further with it. My eggbeater’s full name is ‘The Egony and the Ecstasy: A Cautionary Tale About Why Eggs Should Never Use E.’

It’s going to be an after school special, and feature this fabulous ending sequence where an announcer says ‘This is your brain on drugs,’ and then poor Egony is lying cracked and overheating in a pan while Eggatha Christie and Ophelia look on in horror. Soon after this scene, Eggatha will reveal in a clever plot twist, that the butler did it.

Linguaphile Section:

• What is the crescent-shaped area at the base of the human fingernail? ... lunula -- lu.nu.la also lunule -- noun [F., fr. L. lunula, dim. of luna moon.] Also anything crescent-shaped; a crescent-shaped part or mark. From Anu Garg at WordSmith {http://www.wordsmith.org/awad/}
• What's the name for the little gully under the nose and above the upper lip? ... philtrum.
• Now comes the $64,000 question (uh, ... that's about $90,200 Canadian):
• What is the name of the space between the eyebrows, just above the nose?
• Glabella -- gla.bel.la -- noun [NL., fr. L. glabellus hairless, fr. glaber bald.]
• From Anu Garg at WordSmith {http://www.wordsmith.org/awad/}

• English Pronunciation:
. Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

• Alternative Word Definitions: [from the Washington Post's "Mensa" contest.]

 
  1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
  6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there, ... forever.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

• Now some made-up words with their definitions: [also from the Washington Post's "Mensa" contest.]

 
  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
  3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
       The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of advancing your romance.
  7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, Ok?
       And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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