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Chet Meek's Page of Puns, Part C

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

Other Pun Pages:

• See the "Other Pun Pages"  and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness.

• Sign on the music room door: "Out to Lunch. Bach at 1 (Offenbach sooner)."
• Is the nose the scenter of the face?
• Q: What is alimony?
A1: The Bounty on the Mutiny.
A2: The high cost of leaving.

• A Farrier shoes horses; a blacksmith shoes flies.
• If a guy is picked up for stealing human hearts from a morgue is that a cardiac arrest?
• Is doublemint chewing gum the result of a cloning expearmint?
• I stopped by the BMW dealer's, but I left quickly when I saw the prices! It was a near-debt experience. I wanted to say "beamer up, Scotty."

• A Psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the Doctor: "a man is out here who says he is invisible."

"Tell him I can't see him right now," said the Doctor.

• At the landfill, they were thinking of starting a fitness center: they're calling it "SOLID WAIST."
• When the county ran a water line to his farm, the thrifty farmer chopped up his old well and sold it for jumbo fence post holes.
• If a Parisian falls off a bridge, does he go in Seine?
• What do you get when you throw a grenade into a kitchen in France? ... Linoleum blown-apart.
• Did you hear that the Pillsbury dough boy died? Yup: got a yeast infection. Dr. McCoy reported to Captain Kirk: "He's bread, Jim." It was a sad thing that but for a little dough some crusty old doctor could have performed a BATTERy of tests and maybe given him much kneaded treatment. If it worked, the poor soul would still be leaven.

• Think. ... or thwim.
• You've heard the commandment to not bear false witness. Well, is the fellow who cannot dance but says he can bearing waltz fitness?
• Yesterday I talked to a man so ignorant of Eastern religions that he thought a karma was the bottom part of a semi-colon. No, No, No! The colon is part of the bottom, and a semi is like a karma, but lots more wheels.

• Names:
• Optometrist -- Seymore Clearly
• Insurance Salesman -- Justin Case
• Insurance Adjuster -- Carlos N. Toto
• Ballerina (dressing) -- Donna Tutu
• Inept lion tamer -- Claude Severely
• Petty thief -- Robin Steele.
• Microsurgeon -- Lance Boyle.
• Proctologist -- Seymore Butts.
• Phys Ed teacher -- Jim Schorts.
• Guy who uses mild epithets -- Evan Stubetzy.
• Darth Vader's sister -- Ella.
• Rancher's wife -- Barb Dwyer.
• The writer of a very thick novel -- Warren Peace.

• A neurotic dyslexic agnostic laid awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
This started an argument at the dyslexic's convention ...
The dyslexic atheist claimed there was no Dog.
But the dyslexic priest insisted there was a Dog.
"Fine," said the dyslexic philosopher, "but Dog is dead."
"Well," countered a dyslexic fatalist, "it really doesn't matter. Even if there were a dog, he wouldn't come if you called him!"
"Ah," said the priest, "Dog ex machina!"

• How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
• Only one; but the light bulb has to really want to change.

• How does it change many dyslexics to take a bulb light?

• Show me a witch who verifies her incantations, and I will show you a spell checker.
• Name of a Psychiatrist's boat: Freudian Ship.
• Can you dock a Freudian sloop in a Freudian slip?

• I'm quite sure I have never been here before. ... Vuja De.
• "What if there were no hypothetical situations?" - Aaron Kaminsky
• Will Rogers: "It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, its what we know that ain't so."
• They say as you age that your memory is the second thing to go.
• I forget what the first thing was.

• {something unlikely} "requires a leap of faith over a mountain of experience."

• {Premise: Nick Leeson is a broker who, by taking big risks trading in derivative stocks, lost somewhere near a billion dollars, and drove his bank, "Barings" of London, into receivership. He was canned. And he is now being prosecuted.}
• Did you hear that Nick Leeson turned up in Poland?
• ... Yup. Lost his Barings.
• Leeson: a man who's run out of options.
• Leeson: a man whose futures are in his past.
• Leeson: all balls, no Barings.

• What is worse than being in dire straits? Being in Baring's Straits.
• Then there's the one about the ailing fisherman who traded a seabird for a sausage.
• Yup. He took a tern for the wurst.
• And there was a naughty kid who was called the "German Sausage" because he was the wurst braut anybody ever saw.

• Does drinking make your liverwurst?
• In Dickens' era, there was an awful beast under London Bridge over the Thames River which sank boats, ate passengers, and generally wrecked havoc. Finally a brave group of knights lured it onto the beach and (with dreadful loss of life and limb) slew it. After the conquest, Sir Newt of Gingrich suggested they grind up the foul beast and use it for food at the orphanage in place of expensive gruel. Thus Dickens' immortal opening line: "It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames."

• Earnestly, we mustard of better puns than this!
• FRANKly, I never sausage a bunch of bad puns!
• The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
• How about the ailing poet who started writing before breakfast? He went from bed to verse.
• Is it politically correct to refer to a balding gent as follically challenged?

• The America's Cup races on TV look pretty good, especially the luff scenes.
• Do you know how the golden rule applies to America's Cup racing?
• The guys with the most gold always win.
• Did you hear about the man who was nothing but a crotchety old dyspeptic after surgery?
• He had a charisma by-pass.

• What kind of DNA do clones have? ... Xeroxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA do glue-sniffers have? ... Epoxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA does Snow White have? ... Chloroxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA does the 20-mule team have? ... Boraxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA do Chest Surgeons have? ... Thoraxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA do Jewish Bakers have? ... Bagelsandloxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA does Dr. Seuss have? ... Foxinsoxyribonucleic acid.
• What is substitute DNA? ... Proxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA do pre-schoolers have? ... Sandboxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA do ulcer sufferers have? ... Maaloxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA do recovering drug addicts have? ... Detoxyribonucleic acid.
• What kind of DNA do joggers have? ... Reeboxyribonucleic acid.

• Did you know that DNA stands for the National Association of Dyslexics?
• Did you know there was a teak sculpture in the lobby of the CBS News building in New York honoring Connie Chung?
• ... It was titled: "Chung in Teak."
• "Pieces of seven," "pieces of seven," squawked the parrot.
• It was only a one-bit parrot-y error.

• {Best on St. Patrick's Day}: What is Irish and sits out on your deck? ... Paddy O'Furniture.
• Sadist (def'n): A person who is kind to a masochist.

• Why do cats purr?
• For the same reason transformers hum: they do not know the words.
• Or, more pragmatically: Because they can't say, "Just scratch lightly behind my ears."

• A dentist's patient declined to use novocain. ... He wanted to transcend dental medication.

• What is the similarity between Little Miss Muffet and Sadam Hussein?
• They both want to have their whey with their Kurds.
• Or, they both have Kurds in their whey.

• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent...

• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

• A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

• "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.."
• "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
•  "Is it common?"
•  "Well, It's Not Unusual."

• Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
• Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
•  "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
•  "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any...

• A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
•  He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
•  The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

• I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in  the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
•  "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
•  "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

• Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

• "Never trust an atom [or a quark]: they make up everything!"
  "Hokey Pokey Anonymous: A place to turn yourself around."
  "Ambiguity: What happens in  Vagueness, stays in Vagueness."
  "Pluto 1930-2006: Revolve in Peace."
  "May the [Mass times acceleration] be with you."
  "Hyperbole is the BEST thing ever!"
  "Hobbits are Tolkien Minorities."
  "I'm an English major. You do the math."
  "Fibonacci: It's as easy as 1,1,2,3 ..."
  "Apathy, I could take it or leave it."
  "I avoid cliches like the plague."
  "The Constitution: I Read it for the Articles."
  "Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme."
  "You say tomato, I say tomato. Doesn't make much sense when you read it."
  "Entropy: It ain't what it used to be; and it never will."
  "The Comma Sutra: Making Grammar Sexy Since 1875."
  
  

Now for the younger set:

• Two cannibals were eating a comedian. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?"
• Cannibal with indigestion: "It must have been someone I ate."
• Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy.
• Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
• Cannibal: "Mmmmm, that was good! ... Who was that?"
• When do cannibals leave the table? ... After everyone's eaten?
• What is a cannibal's favorite TV show? ... A Celebrity Roast.
• And then there was this cannibal gourmet who had a mermaid in his pot and was heard muttering, "Is it red wine or white wine?"
• A cannibal student was suspended from school. ... It seems he was buttering up his Math teacher.

• What has 4 legs and one arm? ... A pit bull leaving a playground.
• How to catch a squirrel? ... Climb a tree and act like a NUT.

• Bedtime Story Anyone? [As Churchill once said, when being corrected for ending a sentence with a preposition, "this is the kind of pedantry up with which I will not put."]
• SON: Daddy, will you read me a story?
• DAD: O.K. How about this one?
• SON: No, Mommy read that one already.
• DAD: This one?
• SON: No.
• DAD: This one?
• SON: No
• DAD: Any of these?
• SON: No, Mommy read me all of those.
• DAD: I'll go downstairs and find one then.
• DAD: (returning) Here's a book about a far away land called - Australia!
• SON: Gee, Dad. What did you bring me that book to be read to out of from about Down Under up for?

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

• "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6.
• "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, age 9.
• "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manuel, age 8.

• "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9.
• "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7.

• "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita C., age 8.
• "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7.
• "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. Christine, age 9.

• "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8.

• "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10.
• "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8.
• "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, age 8.

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

• Joe - I've got a weak back.
• Moe - How long have you had a weak back?
• Joe - Oh, for about a week back.
• Moe - Sounds like you've got a weak back joke.
• Joe - Mayhap a Bad Joke Week?
• Moe - There -- have your weak joke back...
• Joe - Yes, but you gave me my joke back weak!
• Moe - This is a whole bag of weak jokes!
• Joe - You mean you won't back a weak joke? Aw, c'mon.

• Tom Swifties:
• "Oh, this book is simply wonderful" Tom said readily.
• "Oh look at that lion chasing his tail" Tom roared.
• "Let's all bow our heads" Tom said gracefully.
• "Ive finished peeling the onions" Tom cried.
• "excuse me, but 2 plus 2 make 4" Tom added.
• "I'm going to sue you again" Tom retorted.
• "I think we'll have to remove this large glandular organ that secretes bile and is a center of metabolic activity" Tom delivered.
• "OK, let's charge twice as much" Tom agreed.
• "Ed, I challenge you!" Tom contended.
• "I don't believe in color tinted contact lenses" Tom realized.
• "Hmmm, should I let him out of jail, or not" Tom deliberated.
• "Should I write a letter or send a telegram?" Tom inquired (ink-wired).
• "No, Ted, that includes both girls AND boys" Tom corrected (co-rec-Ted).
• "Another batch of shells for me!", Tom clamored.
• "Another work week begins!", Tom said mundanely.
• "Four times four is sixteen," Tom said squarely.
• "I love ewe," Tom said sheepishly.
• "Where did I leave my painting?" Tom said easily.

• From: Harvey Sashem (SASHEM@sdcmvs.mvs.sas.com) and Dan Carrol (carroll@mindspring.com) with the answers. It was an attempt to make trite sayings sound less trite.
1. Scintillate, scintillate astroid minific.
• Twinkle, twinkle, little star
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
• Birds of a feather flock together
3. Surveillance should precede saltation.
• Look before you leap
4. It is fruitless to become lachrymous over precipitately departed lacteal fluid
• Don't cry over spilled milk.
5. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to divinity.
• Cleanliness is next to godliness
6. The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
• The pen is mightier than the sword
7. It is fruitless to attempt to indocrinate a superannuated canine with innovative behavior.
• You can't teach an old dog new tricks
8. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
• Spare the rod, spoil the child
9. The temperature of aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees fahrenheit.
• A watched pot never boils
10. 10. Neophytes serendipity.
• Beginner's luck
11. 11. Male cadavers are incapable of yeilding testimony.
• Dead men tell no tales.
12. 12. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.
• People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
13. All objects that corescate with resplendence are not truely ariferous.
• All that glitters is not gold.
14. Where there are visible vapors having their provine in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.
• Where there's smoke, there's fire.
15. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
• Beggars can't be choosers.
16. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques vitiates the potable concoction produced by steeping comestibles.
• Too many cooks spoil the broth.
17. Exclusive dedication to necessary chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
• All work and no play makes Jack (Mingo?) a dull boy.
18. A revolving lathic conglomerate accumulates no diminutive glacous byrophytic plants.
• A rolling stone gathers no moss.
19. The person representing the ultimate cachinnation possesses, thereby, the optimal cachinnation.
• He who laughs last, laughs best.
20. Missles of ligneous and of pterous consistency have the potention of fracturing my osseous structure but appelations will eternally be benign.
• Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

• From: Karen Gee, MBA Student at U Texas, {kgee@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu}
• Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer that they had killed the pig.

• They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been there so long.

• "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

• "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

• The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

• What if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? Well, here is the illustrious response:
• Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot smash it's furry back.
• If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
• Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
• The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and a crew of really annoyed aliens crash on top of them.

• Cajun Night Befo' Christmas

• 'Twas the night before Christmas, An' all t'ru de house,
• Dey don't a t'ing pass, not even a mouse.
• De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo',
• An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.

• Den Mama in de fireplace done roas' us de ham,
• Stir up de gumbo, an' make bake de yam
• Den out on de bayou dey got such a clatter...
• Make soun' like old Boudreaux done fall off his ladder.

• I run like a rabbit to got to de do'...
• Trip over de dawg an' fall on de flo'!
• As I look out de do' in de light o' de moon,
• I t'ink, "Manh, you crazy, or got ole too soon?"

• Cuz dere on de bayou when I stretch ma' neck stiff:
• Dere's eight alligator a-pullin' de skiff.
• An' a little fat drover wit' a lone polein' stick,
• I know r'at away got to be ole St. Nick.

• Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de 'gators dey came.
• He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name:
• "Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee!
• Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an' Renee!"

• To de top o' de porch dem ole 'gators clime!
• Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'.
• Den on top de proch roof it soun' like de hail
• When all dem big 'gators done sot down dey tail!

• Den down de chimney he fell wit' a bam...
• An' St. Nicklus fall an' sit on Ma's yam!
• "OWOOOO!" he axclaim "Ma pant got a hole.
• I done sot mase'f on dem red hot coal!"

• He got on his foots an' jump like a cat...
• Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!
• He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot
• An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.

• A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back.
• He look like a burglar, an' dass fo' a fack!
• His eyes how dey shine...his dimple, how merry!
• Maybe he been drink de wine from blackberry!

• His cheek was like rose...his nose like a cherry...
• On secon' tought maybe he lap up de sherry! ---
• Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly,
• He shook when he laugh like de stromberry jelly!

• But a wink in his eye...an' a shook o' his head,
• Make my confidance dat I soon got to be scared.
• He don' do no talkin'...gone straight to his work:
• Put playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk!

• He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head,
• He cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said:
• "Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame,
• Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."

• So he run out de do' an' he clime to de roof.
• He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof.
• He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip,
• De 'gators move down an' don' make one slip.

• An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go:
• "Erry Christmas to all...Till I saw you some mo'!"

Page last updated: 8 January 2021 (Sm 2.33.n ff, w/SC; Win10pOn). Page created: 1 July 1996.