Chet Meek's Page of Puns - Ver 2

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 2 October 2007).

Other Pun Pages:

• See the "Other Pun Pages"  and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness:

• J.S. Bach once broke his collarbone, and his doctors replaced it with a metal one. It was, however, too flexible, so they replaced that one with a collarbone made of specially heat treated steel. Thus, the "well tempered clavicle."

• Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
• They kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"

• Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."

• Sign in the optical lab:
• "Please do not look into laser with remaining eye."

• A couple of more collectives:
• a mockery of acquittals.
• An exasperation of Jewish Mothers.

• Statistics are often used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not for illumination.

• Wife: Do you want dinner?
• Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
• Wife: Yes and no.

• Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
• I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?"
• He said, "I don't know kid; there are so many places they can hide."

• A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

• Says one psychiatrist to his colleague: "You are fine; how am I?"

• What do you call a chicken crossing the road? ... Poultry in motion.

• Aibohphobia (def'n): An irrational fear of palindromes.

• What do you call an unemployed jester? ... Nobody's fool.

• Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

• If you can't join 'em, lick 'em.

• Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf?
• Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

• Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."

• Dog for sale: eats anything, and is especially fond of children.

• Inpatient customer, sarcastically: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"
• "Sit down, sir - we serve anyone."

• Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"

• Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

• Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

• Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

• Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

• Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

• Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart non-native Americans who blow auto horns to break up traffic jams.

• If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

• Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you have more money than brains.

• Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.

• Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

• What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
• "Make me one with everything."

• What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? ... WET rocks.

• Here are some language warps:
• "I dislike your insinuendoes!"
• "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
• "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
• "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
• "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
• "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
• "To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."
• "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
• "I'd hate to confuse myself with the facts."
• "Family planning has many misconceptions."

• Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go
• ... if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.

• Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money.
• If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you.
• Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."

• Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."

• Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."
• (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

• Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents."
• (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $24.95").

• A hardware store has a sign that reads:
• "Today's special. (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."

• Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

• Chinese proverb: "if thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."

• How can there be self-help "groups"?

• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

• If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

• If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

• From the bulletin of the Church of the Incarnation in Sarasota, Florida:
• "The Magic of Lassie, a film for the whole family, will be shown Sunday at 5 p.m. in the church hall.
• Free puppies will be given to all children not accompanied by parents."

• A college president warned the alumni chairman against requesting too much money at one time by saying, "Don't put all your begs in one ask it."

• A herring that for many years swam along with a friendly whale appeared one day without its companion. Asked where the whale was, the herring replied: "How would I know? Am I my blubber's kipper?"

• Does fuzzy logic tickle?

• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

• A will is a dead giveaway.

• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

• A backward poet writes inverse.

• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

• Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

• A calendar's days are numbered.

• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

• A boiled egg is hard to beat.

• A plateau is a high form of flattery.

• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

• Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Now for the younger set:

• What do you call a cow with no legs? ... Ground Beef!

• Did you hear about the new baby camel that didn't have a hump? ... His parents named him Humphrey.

• Humpty Dumpty.
• Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
• Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
• All the King's Horses and all the King's men
• Came and ate scrambled eggs again.

• Goldilocks?
• Father Bear : Someone has been eating my porridge.
• Mother Bear : Someone has been eating my porridge.
• Baby Bear (crying): Someone has been eating my porridge!
• Granny Bear : Oh, will you all please cut out the whining?! I haven't even served the porridge yet!

• Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am? ... Its twirly.

• Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? ... Because the poor had no money.

• Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

• Two peanuts walking down the street, one of them's a salted.

• What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River?
• WET rocks.

• What is a plumbers favorite flower? ... Draineeums.

• What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin? ... A jock o'lantern.
• ... {See the long one in the version 1 page about Dr. Seuss, too.}

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

• Essay on harmful effects of oil on sea life from an elementary-age youngster in England: "When my Mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil. And sure enough, all the sardines were dead."

• Exam question: What are the advantages of mother's milk over other forms of milk?
• Answer: It's cleaner, it's cheaper and the cat can't get it.

• A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
• "My father grows beans," said one student.
• "My father cooks beans," said another.
• Then a third spoke up : "We are all human beans."

• Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a little like making a peeing section in the swimming pool?

• "Eggplant" - A place where chickens work.

• A six-year-old girl's view of "people:" People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are no good at all until they grow up and get married. Men who don't get married are no good either. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything they see except soap. My mom is a woman and my dad is a man. A woman is a grown up girl with children. My dad is such a nice man that I think he must have been a girl when he was little.

• One horsepower: the energy required to drag a dead horse 550 feet in 1 second.

Here are some kids' views on Angels:

• I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.  --  Gregory, 5.

 
• Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.  --  Olive, 9.

 
• It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.  --  Matthew, 9.

 
• Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.  --  Mitchell, 7.

 
• My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.  --  Henry, 8.

 
• Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows.  --  Jack, 6.

 
• Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead.  --  Daniel, 9.

 
• When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.  --  Reagan, 10.

 
• Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.  --  Sara, 6.

 
• Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.  --  Jared , 8.

 
• All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.  --  Antonio, 9.

 
• My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.  --  Katelynn, 9.

 
• Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it.  --  Vicki, 8.

 
• What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.  --  Sarah, 7.
.
.
.

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

• So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, had only rests until the last movement, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
• After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

• Steven Wright:
• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
• Every so often I flick it on and off just to check.
• Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

• I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

• Rodney Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous.
• They gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it.

• Rodney Dangerfield also tells of an older guy who took some very strict nutritional measures for health reasons.
• He had no red meat, no fat and no sweets in his diet.
• In fact, he was in perfect health, right up until he killed himself.

• Wayne Gretzky: "One hundred percent of the shots you don't take don't go in."

• A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
• The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
• Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
• He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

• A man who liked to play practical jokes sent his friend a collect telegram that read,"I am feeling fine."
• About a week later our joker received a heavy package on which he was required to pay the postage.
• Opening it, he found a big block of concrete and a note reading: "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

• Jonathan (to landlord): Mr. Levin, I would like to make a complaint.
• Levin: Yes?
• Jonathan: For the past few Saturdays, from midnite to about 3 am, the tenants upstairs have been shouting and stomping on the floor!
• Levin: How inconsiderate. ... tell you what: I'll speak to them personally.
• Jonathan: Thanks!
• Levin: It must have been hard for you to get any rest with all that din, huh?
• Jonathan: Rest? Oh, uh, no. I was practicing my tuba.

• Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: "Counted - one dozen." When she returned, two tarts were missing, and the note had been altered to read: "One metric dozen."

• "Waiter, there's a fly in my butter."
• "No there isn't."
• "I tell you there is a fly in my butter!"
• "And I tell you again that there isn't. It isn't a fly, it's a moth.
• And it isn't butter, it's margarine. Any other questions?"

• Waiter, my bowl is wet!
• "It is not wet, sir ... that's the soup!"

• "Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw."
• "I expect he's been in a fight, sir."
• "Well, then, please bring me the winner!"

• "Waiter! Come here & taste this soup."
• "Where's the spoon?"
• "Gotcha!"

• One woman to another: "he was the crabgrass on the lawn of my life.

• The first four notes of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony were popoularly used by the Brits during WW II, in part because the ...- (dot dot dot dash) which they implied represented the letter V (for victory) from Morse code.
• [ ... Apparently, the fact that Beethoven was a German was not an seen as an important detail].

• If we both think exactly alike, then one of us is unnecessary.

• I know that you can't take it with you, but some people act like they're gonna come back for it.

• I know that the best things in life are free, but why do the next best things cost so much?

• It's a lot easier to tell someone to "stop worrying" than it is to sit down with them and discuss and listen and comfort and understand with compassion.

• Some more collective nouns from Larissa March < kitanzi@javanet.com>
• a festival of films.
• a slither of snakes.
• a cascade of lemmings.
• a calamity of critics.
• a lick of lollipops.
• a argument of arbitrators. - Thanks, Larissa.

• Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:
• A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
• Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
• Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
• Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
• Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
• Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

• These steps are for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

• Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

• Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

• Either males or females (feeding exercise): Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed baby.

• A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and was greeted by a eight-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
• Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the boy, "Is your mother home?"
• The boy took the cigar slowly and deliberately out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, with a sideways glance: "What do *you* think?"

• Conversation between two young women:
• "I hear you broke your engagement to Joe. What happened?"
• "Oh, it's just that my feelings toward him aren't the same."
• "Are you returning his ring?"
• "Oh, no! My feelings toward the ring haven't changed a bit!"

• Bureaucrat, describing lack of activity on an important project:

"The reflection section clearly routed the action faction."

• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

• Your Graduate Thesis Work:
• Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest; and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his lap top. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
• Fox: "What are you working on?"
• Rabbit: "My thesis."
• Fox: "Hmmmmm. What is it about?"
• Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
• ... (Incredulous pause).
• Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
• Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
• They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes (and a great deal of rucus), gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes typing.

• Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit.
• ... (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
• Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
• Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves."
• ... (Loud guffaws).
• Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
• Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
• The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again (after a great tumult of howling, ... followed by a deathly silence) the rabbit returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach.
• He goes back to his typing.
• ... (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).

• Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?"
• Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."
• Bear: "Well that's absurd!"
• Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you."
• "Not a chance," says the bear. "But I would like to take a peek in there. I saw the fox and wolf go in. They never came out."
• Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge, ugly and mean-looking lion is belching and picking his teeth.

• MORAL:
• It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic.
• It doesn't matter what you use for your data.
• It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense.
• What MATTERS is who you have for a thesis advisor.