Chet Meek's Page of Puns - Ver 3

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

... ... (This edition is as of: 3 April 2008).

Other Pun Pages:

• See the "Other Pun Pages"  and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness:

• Some Weather-related definitions:

Calm -- A nil wind.
Cyclone -- The exact duplicate of cy.
Moonlighting -- The sun's other job.
Roofer -- A person who is "Shinglin' in the Rain."
Winter -- The days of shovelry.

• Some Collective Nouns from Bob Mendell {infoman@gte.net} .. [direct e-mail]

A DROVE of cabbies.
A SUIT of lawyers.
A RAFT of boat builders.
A REAM of proctologists.
A HANDFUL of palm readers.
A YOKE of pilots.

• Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4s"?
• Do those poker playing dogs own paintings of humans playing "fetch"?
• Does distressed leather come from very tense cows?
• Is it legal to run into a crowded fire and yell "Theater!"?

• On Adjusting to Change: A bend in the road is not the end of the road ... unless you fail to make the turn.
• Everyone has a photographic memory ... except that some people don't have any film.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, you know, night.
• Great earth changes have been predicted for the future. So if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

• Some word definitions: {from http://www.inetw.net/~blackie/nscd.html}

AARDVARK: Strenuous labor.
ABJECT TERROR: Facing a female Klingon during PMS week.
ADVIL: (n) device used to habber thigs on.
AIBOHPHOBIA: An irriational fear of palindromes.
HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.
OVERWEIGHT: (adj) Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
REDUNDANCY: An airbag in a politician's car.
UNFAIR: If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favor?
WITLAG: The delay between hearing and comprehension of a joke.

• Some taglines {from: http://www.brandonu.ca/~ennsnr/Tags/random100.html}:

"Modems Are Cool" by V.bis & Baudhead"
The Silent Majority of today are the slaves of tomorrow.
Hasten to laugh at life ... lest you be obliged to weep.
E-mail Error Message: Mail not found ... Electrocute Sysop? (Y/n).
I think we may be in for a bad spell of wether.

• More taglines {from: http://www.brandonu.ca/~ennsnr/Tags/random100.html}:

Falling doesn't kill people. ... It's the deceleration trauma.
Shhhhhhh; the secrets of the Internet are at .....^*& %*$^^^^^^^^^ NO CARRIER.
(With apologies to dog lovers):
yip yip yip yip yap yap yip ... ... *BANG* ... ^^^^^^^^ NO TERRIER
*ding* HUMOROUS TAGLINES FOUND, INITIATING THEFT SEQUENCE.

• Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• Is there such a thing as a closet claustrophobic?

• There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

• She was only a moonshiner, but I loved her still!

• AUTOBIOGRAPHY: A cars logbook.

ABSENTEE: A missing golf accessory.
ADAMANT: The very first insect.
ADORN: What comes after the darkest hour.
AROMATIC: Auto pilot for archers.
CLIMATE: What you do with a ladder.
CABBAGE: Taxi fare.
FAUCET: What you do when the tap wont turn on.
ODIOUS: A not very good poem.
STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.

• A few others:

  1. ARBITRATOR:    --  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
  2. AVOIDABLE:    --  What a bullfighter tried to do.
  3. BERNADETTE:    --  The act of torching a mortgage.
  4. BURGLARIZE:    --  What a crook sees with.
  5. CONTROL:    --  A short, ugly inmate.
  6. COUNTERFEITERS:    --  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
  7. ECLIPSE:    --  What an English barber does for a living.
  8. EYEDROPPER:    --  A clumsy ophthalmologist.
  9. HEROES:    --  What a guy in a boat does.
 10. LEFT BANK:    --  What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
 11. MISTY:    --  How golfers create divots.
 12. PARADOX:    --  Two physicians.
 13. PARASITES:    --  What you see from the top of the  Eiffel Tower.
 14. PHARMACIST:    --  A helper on the farm.
 15. POLARIZE:    --  What penguins see with.
 16. PRIMATE:    --  Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
 17. RELIEF:    --  What trees do in the spring.
 18. RUBBERNECK:    --  What you do to relax your wife.
 19. SELFISH:    --  What the owner of a seafood store does.
 20. SUDAFED:    --  Brought litigation against a government official,

• Redneck computer lingo:

"Hard drive" -- Climbing a steep, muddy hill with a full load in your four-wheel drive.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ----- Place in the truck to display your guns.
"Floppy" ------- When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------ How you got rid of your dandelions.
"Reboot" ------- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"LAN" --------- To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Bit" ------------ A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

• ECNALUBMA (ek na loob' ma) n. - A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.

• LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.

• PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. - One who is embarrassed to get ready for bed while the household pet is in the room.

Now for the younger set:

• Question: What does a 1 ton Parrot say?

Answer: "Here kitty , kitty , kitty."

• Mary had a little lamb, / Its fleece was slightly gray.

It didn't have a father, / Just some borrowed DNA. . It sort of had a mother, / Though the ovum was on loan.
It was not so much a lambkin / As a little lamby clone. . And soon it had a fellow clone, / And soon it had some more.
They followed her to school one day / All cramming through the door. . It made the children laugh and sing; / The teachers found it droll.
There were too many lamby clones / For Mary to control. . No other could control the sheep / Since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all / By simply cloning Mary. . But now they feel quite sheepish, / Those scientists unwary;
One problem solved, but what to do / With Mary, Mary, Mary ... ?

• Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? ... She had her baby in the spring.

• HELP! I'm calling from the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK STREETS. ... {See also the long one in the version 1 page about Dr. Seuss, too.}

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

• Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
• Men are mammals and women are femammals.
• Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
• Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
• Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

• When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places ... and so that is why they look like umbrellas.
• A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
• Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
• Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

• Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
• The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
• Talc is found on rocks and on babies' bottoms.
• Youngster, on Nuclear Physics: When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

• High Schooler on Cosmology: When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
• Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
• South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things when people forget to put the top on.
• To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
• In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do up there.

• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
• We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
• Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

• In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
• A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
• A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• The wind is like the air, only pushier.

• Salesman (on phone to small boy): May I speak to your mother?

Boy: She's not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Boy: My sister.
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Boy: I guess so.
[... At this point there is a very long silence on the phone. Then ...]
Boy: Hello?
Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister?
Boy: I did. The trouble is, I can't get her out of the playpen.

L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

• A certain monastery was home to monks who had vowed, not the usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant. They communicated only in Gregorian tones. Each morning, they assembled in the chapel and the Abbot would chant"Good morning assembled brethren." The monks dutifully replied "Good morning, Father Abbot." One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead chanted "Good evening, Father Abbot". The Abbot fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze ... and sang "Someone chanted evening!"

• A famous magazine photographer was dispatched to a famous haunted house to get shots of the apparition residing there. In the haunted house, when the clock struck 12 midnite, the apparition appeared on the staircase landing. Amazingly, the apparition posed (like a supermodel) for the photographer! But lighting was very bad at the moment and the camera flash batteries were LOW. Anyway, the photograher snapped away. But the pictures did not come out well because of the low batteries. He later explained to his boss at the magazine this way: "The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

• Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three: two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into the faucet with a wrench.

• A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

• Have you seen the new do-it-yourself surgery kit? ... It's called Suture Self.

• DRIVING WHILE INTOXICATED

It seems the gentleman had over-imbibed at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket. He had just given it to the driver when an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Smith?" they asked? He admitted that he was.
"Where you pulled over at 11:30 last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that he was.
"And what did you do then?" the troopers asked."
The man replied that he drove home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside was the state trooper's car.

• From Jay Leno (March, 1997, on cloning):

Say, if they cloned Ben and Jerry, would they be known as the ice cream clones?

• The following allegedly from the Times of India Newspaper:
1. The Maharastra state government announced a novel slum clearing programme. They are knocking downall the nice-looking houses so that the others don't look bad.
2. Second prize in the Air India contest to find their "Most-travelled Passenger" has gone to Mr. Bomi Boeingwalla who has flown 70,000 miles in the last six months. First prize went to his luggage which has done 190,000 miles.
3. Aloo Aspirinwalla, the 85-year-old hypochondriac who had been treating all his ailments from a medical encyclopedia for past 60 years, died today of a misprint.
4. Proud, young Jemina Khan, 22, who nine month ago took a saccharine tablet instead of the pill, has just had the sweetest baby boy.

• As a traveller reaches his seat in the plane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks gruffly "and get me a whisky!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. As this omission is being pointed out to her, the parrot drains his glass and bawls "and get me another whisky or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Irritated at the continuing lapse, the man decides to try the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Plunging downward through the clouds the parrot turns to him and says "for a guy who can't fly you're pretty cheeky!"

• Ski Exercises: Here are a few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:

Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge in a howling blizzard at 20 degrees below (with your skis on and your poles in your lap) for at least 30 minutes.
Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

• Avalanche (def'n):

One of the few actual perils skiers face that sometimes frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Suffocation, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

• Bones (def'n):

The breakable skeleton of the human body. There are 206 in all. No need for dismay, however. The is no clinical evidence that the two bones of the middle ear have ever been broken while skiing.

• Gravity (def'n):

One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead car batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots.

• Matter (def'n):

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. HOWEVER, ... if some of it drops out of your parka pocket on the slopes, don't expect to encounter it again within the confines of the known universe.

• Shin (def'n):

The bruised and extremely painful area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends down to where the soreness from the sprained ankle begins.

• Thor (def'n):

The Thcandinavian god of acheth and paineth. Hith jointh were all thor when he wath learning too.

• MINNESOTA HUMOR (Could be extrapolated for any northern area, perhaps?)

I came, I thawed, I transferred.
Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.
Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito.
One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.
Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
Where the elite meet sleet.
Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
10,000 lakes and no sharks!
(And solid eight months of the year--it minimizes the drowning threat).

• Headlines:

Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
Thief Steals Clock, Faces Time.

• The Top Few Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light:

Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.
You Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"