Chet Meek's Page of Puns - Ver 3

... word plays, catchy phrases, and other foolishness.

I take no credit for this material. I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing, alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.

Newest ones are added at the top in each category.

Go to Other Pun Pages.

Go to Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness. They are all short; but
Go to "For the Younger Set." Only a few for now. If you send some
Go to "By the Younger Set." Only a few for now here too. Please send
Go to the Shaggy Dog Stories. They are longer, but there are a lot fewer
Go to the Jokes of Most Any Sort. They are what was left over.

Other Pun Pages:

See the "Other Pun Pages" and "Word Origins, Meanings and Origins of Slang or Idiomatic Words and Phrases, Word Games, Fun with Words" sections of the Puns page.

Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness:

I am the Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.

i before e except after c ... weird, huh?

A Pun At Maturity Is Fully Groan.
From the National Sarcasm Society: "Like we need your support!"

Some Weather-related definitions:

Some Collective Nouns from Bob Mendell {infoman@gte.net}:

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4s"?
Do those poker playing dogs own paintings of humans playing "fetch"?
Does distressed leather come from very tense cows?
Is it legal to run into a crowded fire and yell "Theater!"?

On Adjusting to Change: A bend in the road is not the end of the road ... unless you fail to make the turn.
Everyone has a photographic memory ... except that some people don't have any film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
A day without sunshine is like, well, you know, night.
Great earth changes have been predicted for the future. So if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

Some word definitions:

Some taglines:

More taglines:

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Is there such a thing as a closet claustrophobic?

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

She was only a moonshiner, but I loved her still!

AUTOBIOGRAPHY: A cars logbook.

A few others:

Redneck computer lingo:

ECNALUBMA (ek na loob' ma) n. - A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. - One who is embarrassed to get ready for bed while the household pet is in the room.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Now for the younger set:

Question: What does a 1 ton Parrot say?

Mary had a little lamb, / Its fleece was slightly gray.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? ... She had her baby in the spring.

HELP! I'm calling from the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK STREETS. ... {See also the long one in the version 1e page about Dr. Seuss, too.}

Here are some BY the Younger Set:

Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places ... and so that is why they look like umbrellas.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies' bottoms.
Youngster, on Nuclear Physics: When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

High Schooler on Cosmology: When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things when people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do up there.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Salesman (on phone to small boy): May I speak to your mother?

Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE! PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

THE KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOT'S WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENDED BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTANITY HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

<Next, future, to come>

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L-O-N-G puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

A certain monastery was home to monks who had vowed, not the usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant. They communicated only in Gregorian tones. Each morning, they assembled in the chapel and the Abbot would chant"Good morning assembled brethren." The monks dutifully replied "Good morning, Father Abbot." One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead chanted "Good evening, Father Abbot". The Abbot fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze ... and sang "Someone chanted evening!"

A famous magazine photographer was dispatched to a famous haunted house to get shots of the apparition residing there. In the haunted house, when the clock struck 12 midnite, the apparition appeared on the staircase landing. Amazingly, the apparition posed (like a supermodel) for the photographer! But lighting was very bad at the moment and the camera flash batteries were LOW. Anyway, the photograher snapped away. But the pictures did not come out well because of the low batteries. He later explained to his boss at the magazine this way: "The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

And Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Have you seen the new do-it-yourself surgery kit? ... It's called Suture Self.

DRIVING WHILE INTOXICATED

From Jay Leno (March, 1997, on cloning):

The following allegedly from the Times of India Newspaper:

The Maharastra state government announced a novel slum clearing programme. They are knocking downall the nice-looking houses so that the others don't look bad.
Second prize in the Air India contest to find their "Most-travelled Passenger" has gone to Mr. Bomi Boeingwalla who has flown 70,000 miles in the last six months. First prize went to his luggage which has done 190,000 miles.
Aloo Aspirinwalla, the 85-year-old hypochondriac who had been treating all his ailments from a medical encyclopedia for past 60 years, died today of a misprint.
Proud, young Jemina Khan, 22, who nine month ago took a saccharine tablet instead of the pill, has just had the sweetest baby boy.

As a traveller reaches his seat in the plane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks gruffly "and get me a whisky!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. As this omission is being pointed out to her, the parrot drains his glass and bawls "and get me another whisky or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Irritated at the continuing lapse, the man decides to try the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Plunging downward through the clouds the parrot turns to him and says "for a guy who can't fly you're pretty cheeky!"

Ski Exercises: Here are a few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:

Avalanche (def'n):

Bones (def'n):

Gravity (def'n):

Matter (def'n):

Shin (def'n):

Thor (def'n):

MINNESOTA HUMOR (Could be extrapolated for any northern area, perhaps?)

Headlines:

The Top Few Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light:

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Return to the Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness.
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Return to By The Younger Set. Only a few for now here, too. Send a contribution.
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Return to the Meek Family HOME PAGE, or to the Puns Index page.

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Title: Puns; Word plays; Other Nonsense and Foolishness; Humor; Jokes; Good Clean Fun - Volume 3.

The primary URL for this page is at: http://www.GoChet.ca/puns_v3.htm

Page maintained by: Chet Meek, cmeek@ocii.com ... direct e- mail.
Page last updated: 8 January 2021 (Sm 2.33.n ff, w/SC; Win10pOn). Page created: 15 October 1996.

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